We Must

Change is scary. Good change, bad change, everything in between, I always seem to want to hold back and hang on to the everyday mellowness that I've become accustomed to.

I have always felt this yearning to do something big.

I've started with the biggest part of my life, throwing myself completely and unabashedly into motherhood. Being a mom has changed me in many ways. I know that's what everyone says, and I truly believe everyone means it. How could they not?

For me, being a mother has completed me, reached into the deep caverns of my soul that I didn't even know existed and filled them with love and meaning. I am passionate about motherhood. Not just in my role of molding and loving these amazing little people, but in all of the extras that come along with it. I am passionate about every aspect. I want to share with people my personal journey. I want to inspire others to find their own truth within motherhood and become the person they always were meant to be because of their children, not in spite of.

Motherhood has compelled me to reach back into my dreams and dust off a little corner I had long forgotten. I had given up on so many thoughts and goals and ideas in college when I had felt less than important, incompetent, and was generally convinced that I had no real purpose in life. Then I jumped into my 20s and spent the better part of the last ten years growing my family. Within those ten years, I found myself again. Those little dusty dreams that I had long forgotten have crept back to the surface and I'm starting to feel like I can't just push them back inside anymore. They need to get out, they need to breathe and grow and take life.

I'm ready to stop holding those dreams back. They've been calling me, begging me to allow them to take shape and take off. My passion for motherhood has catapulted me into a place I never dreamed possible, but that I've been working toward my entire life.

Change is scary. But change is necessary. In order for us to grow and become all that we are meant to become and do all that we are meant to do, we must change. We must.

Plans and lists and DO IT!

How many times can you "start over"?

I keep asking myself that. I have these great plans and ideas and make lists of things I'll do tomorrow and the next day.

And then I don't.

I muddle through. I plan to make breakfast every morning. Instead, we stop at the gas station and grab donuts with about five minutes to spare before the first bell rings.

I plan to catch up on the laundry, which is a pretty lofty goal for six people, but I plan on it. I wash and dry load after load, and put the piles of clean clothes on the bed. Then it's suddenly bedtime and I don't really want to put the clothes away so they end up in a pile and that pile inevitably falls over and of course it's raining and I just let the dog in and she's laying on that once-clean pile of laundry so I guess I'll catch up on the laundry tomorrow.

I plan to sit down and update my website and work on my business which excites me and I want to dive in! But then I sit down which is the universal symbol for "hey my boobs are free" and both the little girls want to nurse and I remind myself that this season in my life will pass too quickly so I close the laptop and focus on my girls but I never do pick that laptop up again because now I have to pick up the big kids from school and then dinner and homework and bedtime.

I plan and I plan and I plan and I never, ever DO.

I want to slap myself in the face and remind myself THAT THIS IS POSSIBLE. Living and breathing and creating and mothering can be done, can be done well, can be done moderately okay even, and I can DO THIS. I just have to DO.

Four kids is hard work. Heck, ONE kid is hard work! Gosh, even having no kids and just trying to figure out YOURSELF is hard work!

I'm just trying to work through each day, being what I can to who needs it, doing what I can when possible, and trying to hold out just a little bit of hope that my dreams for my life can and will come to fruition, despite and maybe even because of the breakfasts and the laundry and the nursing.

Reality

I'm still in the newborn bliss stage.

I'm also in the oh-crap-I-have-four-kids stage.

And a dog.

And a husband.

And dreams that need care and attention just like my babies.

And dishes to be washed and laundry to be sorted and why don't I have one of those vacuums that runs all by itself?

Life around here is chaotic. The clutter multiplies from each room to the next. I swear I get rid of one thing and four things show up in its place. My mind is running a mile a minute, and physically I'm doing the same thing. But I just GAVE BIRTH and my body can't quite keep up with what I need it to do. Throw in the lack of sleep and I'm a big ole mess.

This is reality, folks.

I often post about how wonderful things are and how happy I am, and those are all true. But the reality is that mixed in between the wonderful things and the happy is pure and utter chaos. Most of the time, the chaos is great. I can handle it. But sometimes the chaos is the dirty, messy, tantrum-throwing, I-can't-find-my-homework, stop-hitting-your-sister, I-hate-you-mom-you-ruined-my-life kind of chaos.

The reality is that it's not all butterflies and sunshine and happy unicorns around here. The glitter and sparkle aren't always exciting; sometimes they are just a bitch to clean up off the floor.

Sometimes we run out of toilet paper in the middle of a stomach bug. Sometimes the dog jumps on the counter and EATS the dinner I just pulled out of the oven. Sometimes I just want two minutes so that I can pee...ALONE.

A lot of these not-so-pretty moments are just part of living. Sometimes there are moments in there that I'm not proud of. Like when I lose my temper over things that are meaningless. Or when I realize my words are the problem. Or when I pretend I can't find the book she wants me to read for the 300th time and the truth is I kicked it under the couch.

I'm real. This ain't always a picnic.

The whole "Super Mama" thing is not because I think I'm just the most fabulous mother to ever walk the face of the Earth. It's because my KIDS think I am. Isn't that amazing? We can have the worst day ever around here...I can forget that we dance class and only have ten minutes left to eat so I pour a bowl of cereal for everyone, and then we are late to dance class, and then I almost run out of gas getting home and have to pull over in below freezing temps to pump the gas and I'm cold and damn it why didn't I tell the hubby to get me gas that morning, and crap we didn't finish homework and I didn't dry the towels so showers won't happen tonight and the baby wants to nurse RIGHT FREAKING NOW and oops bedtime passed 30 minutes ago...

...and as I come to tuck them in to bed, they tell me that it was the BEST day ever.

That I'm the best MOM ever.

On those particular nights, I typically hug them close, remind them how much I love them and how amazing they are, and then off I go to cry about how I don't deserve such awesome kids.

But they DO love me...in the worst and in the best moments. And life isn't just one or the other. So if they can still love me in the worst...well, then, I guess I'm doing a good job.

Today is yet another no-school-because-Mother-Nature-is-a-whack-job day. The kids are home and it's too cold to leave the house and they are still getting over a stomach bug anyway...so today, I'm just going to try and hold it together. At this very moment, the baby is asleep on my chest, and I'm soaking in the sweet newborn-ness. Bam and Gray are laying on the couch together sharing a pillow and a blanket, and Tee went and poured everyone a drink. They are all being so kind and sweet, and I'm overflowing with love for them.

I feel so LUCKY to have them. Yes, I also have a ton of laundry and dishes and cleaning to do. Yes, I have my own homework that I need to catch up on. Yes, I have a LOT going on in my head that I want to do or achieve that just aren't happening right now. BUT...most importantly...I have THIS. I have this chaos that is so full of commotion and crazy and joy and love and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Taking Leaps

We are falling into a routine. Tee and Bam are at school, doing their thing. Gray and the Baby are home with me. We're figuring things out. Slowly.

Toddlers are harder than newborns. Just an FYI, in case you were wondering.

School started back up for me. Yeah, I'm a bit crazy like that, going to school while juggling 3,000 kids and everything else...but I WANT THIS. I truly do. I NEED to finish school. For me. For my kids. It has to happen. I'm not slowing down or stopping this time.

What's interesting, though, is that the Baby's birth has triggered inside me a whole new way of approaching my goals. As a family, we've veered away from a lot of the mainstream thoughts on parenting and have adopted what some may call more of an attachment parenting style. It's all just labels, really. At the end of the day, we love our kids and do the very best we can for them. Just like every other parent I know, whether they make the same choices I do or not! My point is that as we've taken this new path, I've discovered a lot more about myself and where my heart lies. I've been thinking about where to go with my degree and my career over the last several years, and this pregnancy really set me on the path to fully understand what my heart has been telling me. Holding this baby in my arms, it all seemed clear.

Vague enough, huh?

Well, it is what it is for now. I need to explore more what I want to do with these ideas and plans that are exploding inside my head. I've found a love for all things natural. I want to explore how nutrition can make or break your health. I'm in love with natural childbirth, and at bare minimum an informed CHOICE in birth. Breastfeeding has become a passion of mine. Raising babies and kids has fulfilled me in ways I didn't think possible. I have expanded the area that my degree is heading in, and I think I will be able to finally put some concrete plans together. Plans that make my heart sing!

In the meantime, I am jumping head first into my business. I've puttered around long enough, putting it off, getting scared, not taking the leap. I'm no longer allowing myself to get in the way of my plans. That's really it, I get in the way of myself. No more!

Taking leaps is scary business.

2014

Hello, 2014!

I realize that life doesn't exactly start fresh when the ball drops,  but for us, this year, it felt like it. 2013 was a year full of changes, challenges, and heartbreak. We lost two very important people to our family and it has shaken all of us to our core. We dealt with job loss and financial woes. Overall, it was a terrible, terrible year.

We were happy and ready to put 2013 behind us, hoping and praying that 2014 would be filled with wonderful things!

And so far...it has!

We welcomed our sweet baby girl into the world on January 4. She is beautiful and amazing and has added excitement and joy into our house.

She has also added exhaustion and lack of alone time for mommy, but hey, who needs any of that, right?

In all honesty, I LOVE the newborn stage. Truly, I do! Sure, getting up to feed the little one throughout the night isn't glamorous, but I don't mind doing it. She's almost two weeks old now, and we are starting to get into a groove. The immediate wave of exhaustion has subsided and I'm pretty content with the lack of sleep. This stage passes SO quickly and I'm trying to treasure every single second of it!

With the big kids in school, it's just me and the little girls during the day. We are still trying to get in a groove. I'm still trying to balance my schoolwork and my business with my girls, and I've put almost everything aside so that the girls and I can bond together. The transition when you add a new family member is sometimes challenging, and my sweet Gray has needed a bit extra time to get used to her new little sister. But we are getting there! Slowly but surely, we are finding our footing and getting in a groove.

Besides the challenges that come with having four kids...I truly am deliriously happy right now. This little girl is pure bliss, and our family feels more complete than it ever has. The hubs and I are truly blessed!

So far, 2014 has been just as wonderful as I had imagined it would be!

Organization is the Name of the Game!

What's the key to being a Super Mama?

Well, heck if I know!

I do know, however, that the key to staying sane as a Super Mama is organization. I'm all about embracing the chaos and living by the seat of your pants. I don't think that every minute of every day needs to be scheduled or planned. I love the freedom in having a day free of plans and just letting life happen!

The organization I'm talking about is HOME organization.

You know what I mean, mamas. I know you do!

As a mom with two kids in school, a toddler, a baby on the way, a husband, a business, and my own schooling to contend with...if I don't have a plan or a place for everything...this house becomes chaos. And not the good kind of chaos. The oh-gosh-I-want-to-pull-my-hair-out-and-run-away kind of chaos.

Mmmhmm, you know what I'm talking about!

Truth time...I'm not that great with this kind of organization.

I want to be good at it! I strive to be good at it!

I'm just not quite there yet.

So this month I'm going to explore organization and what it means for my own family and how we can make things work smoother and easier in our house.

Join me! I know other mamas out there struggle with the same thing! Where's my shoes? Where's my backpack? Did you sign my planner? Did you move my library book? Why is my pillow in the dog food?

(what? you don't get that question often?)

An important factor to me is how to organize on the cheap. I'm overwhelmed with possibilities as I peruse the magical website Pinterest, but often a lot of the best ideas are just not realistic for my home, my family, or my budget. So I plan to take those genius ideas and mold them to fit my life.

YOU CAN DO IT, TOO!

I embrace the chaos. But I like to embrace it without truly going insane.

Easy

The school year has started, the big kids are in school, I'm taking online classes, and me and the little one are still figuring out our days.

It is odd to be suddenly alone with just one child throughout the day.

We are still working out our routine. We spend a lot of time cuddling, a lot of time nursing, and a lot of time laughing. We enjoy lunch together, she typically steals all of my breakfast, and she's started napping early in the morning which gives me some time to work on homework.

It's quiet here. Not something I'm used to. We wait as patiently as we can for the clock to tick the hours away so we can pick up her big brother and big sister from school. Oh how she misses them! She squeals with delight when she sees them get into the car after school. The love they all have together is incredible.

It feels easy, for the moment. I'm sort of sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is this wonderful easy feeling our reward for the hectic summer full of questions? I suppose I shouldn't look at this ease so unkindly. I should revel in this moment, allow it to be and exist, let the worry slip away.

The chaos is coming, though.

With that...our big news! Baby #4 is due in January!

So my easy mornings with Gray are soon to fade, and we will share our time with her little sibling.

With this sudden ease has come a feeling of peace. As we recover from the unexpected blows of the summer, things are far from truly peaceful. But at the same time, I'm content. I'm happy. Our family is growing, in ways we never expected, and in ways we are truly blessed to experience.

I feel GOOD. Right here, right now, in this moment. It feels GOOD.

The Summer That Wasn't

Did this summer really just fly by? Are we seriously halfway through AUGUST? This is crazy. Ridiculous! I had this big idea of achieving everything on our summer bucket list...

We never even finished writing the bucket list!

What happened?!?!

So maybe this summer wasn't as magical and fun-filled as I had planned. It was filled with a lot of loss, actually, in more than one way. It was not the "best summer EVER" like I had hoped it would be.

I guess that's part of this whole living/parenting thing, right? Not every day goes according to plan.

For a moment this morning, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, and for my kids. Thinking that they have to wait a whole 9 months or so to try this summer thing again.

Then I stopped myself.

Stop the crazy talk, mama!

Why wait 9 months? Why does fun only have to happen in the summer? This may not have been the summer filled with fun trips and play dates and parties and excitement that I had envisioned. That doesn't mean that TODAY can't be fun! Or tomorrow! Or September! Or winter!

School is starting and the fall is almost here. That means fun of a different kind. School events. Apple orchards. Cider mills. Hayrides. Movie nights. Sleepovers. This is fun, too!

So though summer kind of got away from me, you better believe that fall is going to be pretty spectacular.  There will be no bucket list to hold over my head, making me feel incompetent and lazy. I can give myself the grief without the list watching me day in and day out.

I did just bookmark a couple websites with ideas for summer bucket lists, though. Maybe we will try again next year. Maybe we won't.

Maybe I will just try and make today special and then go from there.

Sleep, Baby, Sleep

Hello, bloggy world. It has been awhile, eh?

Life sure can get complicated.

Finals. The cold from hell. Family obligations. Softball. T-ball. Breastfeeding this kid all day...and night.

And so.much.more.

It's hard to keep up with life.

I feel like it has been one thing after another since the end of April. I don't know that we are completely out from under all of the obstacles and challenges, but I can finally breathe a little easier and see a small light at the end of the tunnel.

It's small, but it is promising.

I can hold on to anything promising.

I'm trying to grasp on to life as it is right now, trying to catch up, trying to be in control. We have a few more weeks of summer and I want to truly enjoy it. I want to be organized and prepared once school starts for myself and for the two big kids. We have a lot to do.

I have a sleeping baby next to me on the couch. I don't dare move because she senses it and I really needed her to take a good nap today. The other two are running around in their bathing suits squirting water at each other from their baby sister's bath toys. Part of me is impressed with their creativity as they've created an entire world for themselves; the other part of me is horrified at the mess I'm going to have to clean up.

But I will just sit. Let them enjoy. Let the baby sleep. Breathe. Convince myself that I got this whole mommy thing down.

My poker face is pretty good. I can pull it off.

Deep breath.

And We Go

Running and running.

My attempts at slowing and seeing and feeling are lost in the chaos.

I pull moments together, here and there.

A light saber fight in the playroom in the five minutes we had left before heading out for the day.

A small, important conversation after a little girl has been in bed for an hour but apparently had too much on her mind to sleep.

Walking around the living room in the dark, carrying the baby in our Ergo, hoping to lull her to sleep.

Little moments, slipped in between the light and the dark, the quiet and the noise. Each moment simple and important.

My mind races as I think through my lists of things that must be accomplished. Deadlines. Assignments. Projects. Things. More things. Too many things.

It's a lot, sometimes, to juggle life.

We wear so many hats.

I try and be everything to everyone at all times.

I feel like I can, that nothing is impossible, that I can do all and be all and everything will just work itself out.

Kind of unrealistic.

I'm not perfect.

But I do and I go, and we live and we make it work.

When the days blend together during the busy times, I take comfort in those stolen moments with my little ones.

This season of our lives will not last forever. In many ways. They will grow. I will grow. Life will change.

We won't be this busy forever.

We will breathe again, and the quiet, stolen moments will gather together into bigger, louder moments, and we will fall into that season as we did this one.

Imperfectly. Purposefully.

One Year

We did it!

Gray is one year old today which means that we have successfully breastfed for an entire year.

This is HUGE for me! Gray is my third baby, but the first baby that I breastfed.

I tried with Tee. I lasted two days. It was horrible. It was so painful. The nurses at the hospital were so mean. I didn't really have anyone to help me figure it out. The hubby was supportive, but he was just as clueless as me. My heart still breaks thinking about the moment I gave her formula for the first time. I cried and cried, feeling like a failure. I was told I couldn't do it and I believed it.

With Bam, I used formula for the start. Tee was fine, she never had any problems, so I didn't think twice about it. This is one of my biggest regrets. My sensitive boy would probably have benefited so much from breastmilk. His first year was a nightmare.

When I found out I was pregnant with Gray, I knew that breastfeeding was something I had wanted to do. I was nervous, thinking back to that horribly mean nurse who told me I'd never be able to feed my baby on my own. This time I knew I had to take control of the situation, take control of my body, and take control of my baby. I did so much research. I joined every breastfeeding support group I could find. My awesome hubby was on board with me and we decided we were going to do this, no matter what.

And we did just that.

I will admit, the first two weeks were not fun. I was so exhausted, and unlike with my formula feeding babies, waking up for feedings in the middle of the night fell completely on me. I had no clue how to manage the older two and feed the baby at the same time. I was in tears almost every night when the hubby came home from work. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and doubting my own ability to nourish my child.

After one particularly rough day, the hubby looked me in the eye and said he was going to help me and went off to the store. With no knowledge himself about breastfeeding beyond what I had told him, he marched into Babies 'R Us and asked for help. He came home loaded down with an electric pump, breast pads, and the single most important item that saved me - gel pads for nipple relief. Seriously, I will buy them for every new mama gift from now on!

Just like that, with his help and belief in me, I settled back into my mind that I could do this. I read through my favorite book several times and tried every trick to make sure I had the perfect latch.

If you are planning to breastfeed, this book is a MUST!

 

Then one morning I woke up and everything was better! I wasn't sore, Gray slept a little bit longer, and I suddenly felt like I could do this.

 

And I did.

 

We did!

 

As is customary in the world of mama wars, here is my disclaimer: this post is NOT about me judging YOU for YOUR choices! Your choices are yours alone. As a mama who has fed her babies both with formula and breastmilk, I could never judge, and would never. This post is purely me feeling proud of myself for doing what I chose to do.

 

And I'm ecstatic that we did it! Through the support of my amazing husband and the many friends I've made in support groups, I was able to withstand the challenges of breastfeeding, along with all the negativity that comes with it - the name calling, the dirty looks, the mocking. I've become a better person for it. I no longer look at other people's opinions of my actions as an indication of whether my choices are right or wrong. I am firm and confident and sure of myself.

 

Me breastfeeding my baby at a parade! No cover, no big deal!

 

This journey has been amazing, and I've learned so much about myself as a mother. I feel more connected with all of my children, and I feel more in tune with myself than I have been in a long time.

 

We did it. Gray and I did it. Our whole family did it. We made it!

 

And we are not done here. We will wean when she's ready. No rush.

 

So today, on my baby girl's first birthday, I celebrate not only her existence, but our amazing breastfeeding adventure. This year has been incredible, and she completes me and our family in ways I never could have imagined. I'm grateful for her, for her life, her smile, and the opportunity to be her mama.

Time Flies

Today was my "I'm in labor!" day for Gray. I don't feel like it is possible for her to have already been here for an entire year! It seems like she was just born yesterday. At the same time, I feel like she's been a part of our family forever!

I don't have an "I'm in labor!" day for Bam every year, which always makes me smile. It's like our own special day, the last day where he was safe inside of me, and the day before my life changed in so many ways. Our little guy was THIS.CLOSE. to being a Leap Day baby! So my labor day only comes once every four years. Silly, I know, but it makes me smile.

My little guy turned five a few days a go, and my baby turns one tomorrow.

I'm just in awe at how fast time is flying by!

There have been a few days lately that have been long and hard, and I count the hours to bedtime (for them and for me). Though the days sometimes feel long, life is going by so fast! Tee was just Gray's age, I blinked, and now she's going to parties and losing teeth and having her own opinions.

I know every mom says this, but it is so true - they grow up SO fast!

I've been trying to be more conscious of our moments together. I'm trying to simplify our schedules so we have more time to be together and to play, and less time driving and doing things that aren't as important. I'm working hard to say "yes" to them more often. It's hard after a long day of school and work and homework and teething to step outside my own wants and needs, and to realize that Bam is only going to ask me to play Star Wars with him for so long. One day he won't ask me and I will have missed all of this. I'll miss the kiss on the cheek of gratitude from him and the whispered "Thank you, mama" that I love so much.

He still calls me "mama" and it's the sweetest sound in the world.

It's not easy, this motherhood thing, and I sometimes wish that we had a couple practice years or chances for do-overs. Each age and stage is so different and so exciting, and it's such a hard balance between doing the right thing and enjoying each moment and not messing them up.

Tonight I will kiss my little baby girl to sleep and tomorrow she will wake up as a one year old.

Amazing.

Now

The last few days I have done some serious soul searching. Where should we be, where do we want to be, what does the future hold?

Why did things happen the way they did?

I don't know that I regret my decisions in the past so much as I realize it would have been a lot easier to have chosen differently.

But man, the now? Anyway? It's just amazing.

I knew that being a mom was going to be amazing. I knew it would be hard.

I had NO idea HOW hard.

I had NO idea HOW amazing!

With each new age and phase and milestone, I'm just in awe.

Tee is becoming so much more of an individual, doing her thing, her way. She has the most incredible outlook on life. She still skips into a room and brightens it up with her big smile and her million ideas that she is just bursting to share! I watch Gray now and remember when Tee was that small, and it was just me and her and the hubby. It seems like a completely different life! Then I blinked my eyes and she grew into this really great person! She's sassy, smart, and so funny, with the kindest of hearts. Her energy is contagious!

Then there is my Bam. His birthday is around the corner, and he will be crossing over into this much older stage of life. He's been my baby for so long, the idea of letting go even a little seems crazy! He is the happiest boy. Always smiling, always laughing, in awe of everything around him. He wears his heart on his sleeve and he feels everything in a big way. When he's happy, everyone is happy. When he's sad, you can't help but feel sad right along with him! He has this great imagination and he's always playing and building and telling these incredible stories of events his toys experience. He is genuinely sweet and kind, the first to ask if anything is wrong, and always so polite. He loves everyone so completely!

And my Gray. Is it even possible that it's almost been a year since she came into our lives? It can't be! She is growing and changing so much! Oh how she loves all of us, she is so happy to see her siblings and waves and smiles and blows kisses to them every morning. She has started walking, and it's so much fun to watch! I love watching the older kids interacting with her. Her hair is growing, and she's getting so much taller, and oh my all the teeth! Her big blue eyes suck me in and her laughter melts my heart. She's curious and always following the big kids around to see what they are up to. She takes awhile to warm up to other people, but when she does, oh man is it worth the wait!

To think that had I done things differently back then...I might not be here today. With this. With them.

Sometimes the path isn't easy. Sometimes it's not even the path we had planned. But somehow, someway, we end up exactly where we need to be.

The Hard

Parenting is hard.

Don't get me wrong, I never expected it to be easy. And most of the time, these little people are pretty fabulous.

Then there are other times. And man. It is hard.

Parenting three kids is hard.

Parenting three kids in three different ways that meet their individual needs is hard.

Parenting three kids in three different ways that meet their individual needs while attempting to satisfy my own needs is hard.

Throw in a husband, a house, and a dog.

Oh, and did I mention my next semester of college starts tomorrow?

*sigh*

It's been one of those very hard weeks around here.

It's almost like I put out there into the universe that this is the year of positivity, and the universe was all like, "Oh yeah? Let's see about that" and threw at me all it could muster.

I feel like I'm drowning. Emotionally and mentally. One obstacle after another. On top of parenting those three kids in those three different ways...

I needed to escape yesterday, so after dinner, we all snuck to the library and took part in a family play date complete with building snowmen out of marshmallows and M&M's and a raucous cotton ball snowball fight.

The smiles on their faces? Priceless.

So despite all the hard, there we were, snowballing it up, laughing, and enjoying each other.

And I guess that's the point. The hard is going to keep on calming. It never truly ends, nothing is ever completely easy all the time. We just have to buckle down and get through.

And we will. Because we always do.

Serious Talks

So, the election is over.

Don't worry, this is not a political post. Don't run screaming for the hills just yet!

The interesting thing about this election is that we have a kid old enough to get that something is happening. She hears the commercials and the news reports, her friends talk about things, and they were studying elections in school. Very simple stuff.

She comes home from school one day, all bubbly and talkative as usual, her mouth running a mile a minute.

"Hey, Mom? Who are you voting for?"

Simple question. Not really a simple answer.

You see, my thoughts and opinions have changed over the last few years, especially now that I'm a mom. I worry more about issues that never crossed my mind ten years a go. I see more in gray, not just black and white.

Pretty much that means I hadn't decided yet. Which was not a good enough answer for my inquisitive seven year old.

"Well, you see, there are more than two candidates..."

"But, MOM. What if you HAD to pick one of the two?"

There's no explaining to her that there are more than two parties, that you can vote whichever way you please.

And again, I had no answer.

My bright idea?

"Hey, let's ask Daddy when he gets home from work!"

SCORE. Conversation tabled for later.

The crazy thing about this kid is that she never forgets anything. EVER. I promised her a trip to California when she was two years old. She still asks when we're going, because, you know, I promised.

I guess I better start planning that trip.

So there was no chance that she'd forget our conversation.

Sure enough, as soon as Daddy walked in the door, and before he had a chance to take his coat off, she's all over him.

"Hey, Dad! Who are you voting for in the election?"

Dad was in the same boat as Mom.

He was honest with her. "I still have some research to do."

With that big bright smile, she exclaims, "I can help! I know ALL about the candidates!"

We chuckle. Then I think, wait, how does she know? She really IS smarter than me.

Well, what the heck, right? If she could just tell us, then I wouldn't have to do the work myself. Bonus!

"Ok, tell us about them!"

"Mitt Romney likes meatloaf! And President Obama likes chili!"

YES. There you have it. All you need to know!

I should have posted this pre-election, it may have helped all the other undecided voters make their choice!

She also knew their wives names, how many kids they had, and their favorite color.

You know, all the really important, juicy stuff!

I thought we were about to have this deep conversation with our kid about the state of the world, what we believed, how she could formulate her own opinion. I forget sometimes that her version of the world is still innocent.

Thankfully so.

I know that deep conversation will come one day, along with several other deep, scary conversations. It's not that far off. I'm anxious about those talks. I want to make sure I tell her the important things she needs to know. I want to be sure I foster in her the ability to formulate her own opinion.

Raising a person is scary stuff.

In the meantime, I embrace the innocence. I love on her and hope that she will gain the confidence she needs to go forth in the world and do good.

That's all you can hope for.

That, and some seriously good meatloaf.

With chili.

Awesome

I watch them sit together on the floor of our living room.

One, two, three.

Giggling, playing, being together.

That's what I had envisioned.

Right there in that moment.

This was it.

This was the family life I had dreamed of.

Sitting on the couch, cuddling with my husband, the dog curled up at my feet, watching our three children play together.

Wow.

This is real.

Every part of this is happening, right now, right here.

And there are moments of excruciating frustration that I'm not enough, I'm not doing enough, I'm not being enough.

And then there are moments like this, where I know it doesn't matter.

I'm raising three pretty awesome people.

Even when I burn dinner, or I forget to wash the favorite pair of jean leggings, or I didn't make the kid read before she went to bed so we had to wake up at the crack of dawn to get the reading done so she didn't lose a chance to get her ticket pulled...whatever that means...

They are three pretty awesome people, and this is a pretty awesome life.

Embracing rather than worrying and regretting.

Linking up with Just Write

I'm Funny

"Hey, Bam, keep your eyes peeled for Mimi!"

*hysterical laughter*

"Mama, my eyes are not bananas!"

*more hysterical laughter*

"Mama, you are the funniest mama ever!"

Heck yeah I am. I should get a trophy or a plaque or an embroidered pillow or something!

The Song in the Car

We chatted about how great it is that some of her best friends from last year are going to be in her class this year. A boy she thinks is cute, one she might marry, and two of her very best girlfriends, one who lives very close to us, and the other who teaches her words in Japanese. Her excitement for the school year to start is electric.

We sat in the parked car, I turned off the engine but the radio still played. She asked if she could unbuckle. It amazes me that she is capable of doing that herself. I said sure, and she unbuckled and propped her elbows between the front seats.

"Turn the radio up, Mom!" she squealed as one of her favorite songs came on the radio. I obliged, of course.

We sang together, me and her, as loud as we could. She let me be in the moment with her, something that I've noticed she's been stepping away from lately. She didn't ask me to stop, she just leaned on my shoulder, pressed her cheek to mine, and sang with me. We danced, her blonde wavy hair bouncing to the beat of the music. I secretly prayed for the song to be longer.

I didn't want this moment to end.

But it did. And it was okay. She kissed me on the cheek and said, "I love you, Mom." I knew that she felt the same way as I did in that exact moment.

She's becoming this incredible little person. She's not a baby anymore. She's a kid. And I'm not exactly sure when that happened, nor am I sure how I feel about it. Each age and stage has been more exciting than the last, but I don't want to rush it, I want to live it with her. While she still allows me to do so.

I Want to Remember

It was a long day. I was beyond grateful that all three kids had finally fallen asleep. I needed a moment, or two, or three, to just breathe. Gray was asleep in my arms, after a long nursing session. I laid her down, and she immediately stirred and started to whimper. I felt broken, tired, will she ever sleep? I picked her up, her sweet hand rested on my cheek, her face buried into my neck, and with a big sigh, she was asleep again. I smelled her, the sweet mix of milk and baby-ness that is just intoxicating. I thought about laying her down again, because I desperately needed some time to myself. I just couldn't do it. Instead, we walked back to the couch, and I just held her. I thought about how fast these five months have gone. How fast the next five will go, and the five after that, and the five after that. I tried to think back to Tee and Bam at this age. Why couldn't I picture every moment with them? Why isn't it so clear? I remember things, yes. A lot of it is general. How Tee would only sleep if I was next to her, how we spent our mornings giggling in bed together while Daddy was still at work. How Bam would spend hours awake, and we'd sit rocking night after night, his little body aching in pain from a gluten intolerance we didn't understand. How he'd put his sweet cheek next to mine, our faces facing the same direction. He never would put his head in my neck to cuddle like his sisters did, we were always cheek to cheek.

I guess I do remember more than I gave myself credit for, but I want to remember everything. Every second of their babyhood. Every moment, every breath, everything. I just can't grasp it. I know they were little once, but how did they grow so quickly? Why can't I picture them at this exact age and time as Gray is tonight? I feel like I'm losing them, slowly, like sand through my fingers, slipping away. All the memories. I can barely feel them, I can barely remember the smell of their sweet skin, the sound of their sweet laughter.

So I don't worry any more about that moment of alone time I so desperately had daydreamed about all day. All I think about is how I want this moment, this moment right here, to be the one I remember for the rest of my life.

So I soak her in.

Her chubby fingers and toes, ankles and thighs, wrists and cheeks. I kiss her head at least a hundred times, feeling her soft hair brush my lips. I can't help but smell her, close my eyes, and try to burn that smell into my memory. I want to be able to recall exactly what she smelled like. I let my body relax and try to imprint exactly how she feels against me, where she places her hands and arms, how her feet curl up under her, exactly how heavy she feels against me. I try and match my breathing to hers, in hopes that we can connect deeper than just my imagination. I hold her tight, eyes closed, and I force this moment to become important. I run it through my head several times, over and over, hoping that I won't ever forget.

This motherhood thing is so amazing. It's frustrating and scary and wonderful all tied into one. I can't believe time is passing by so quickly, each day and year more exciting than the last, and I look forward to what these people will become. But in that excitement, I don't want to lose the moments we shared of who they once were. Three tiny little people, completely different from each, completely and utterly loved by everything that I have, completely dependent on me to give them the life they deserve. It's sometimes too big to even wrap my mind around.

So, I won't. I'll just soak in this moment. This moment with my sweet Gray, wrapped in my arms, entwined in my soul for eternity. I will never forget how this feels.

Linking up with Just Write

A day in the life

Summer is in full swing and my time management has flown out the window.

We come and go as we please, spending hours in our pjs and staying up late.

I feel stretched and strained and carefree all at the same time.

We are getting in a groove. Slow but sure.

I question my abilities, how to spread myself and fulfill all their needs.

One night this week Bam woke up in the middle of the night sick. I brought him to my room, throw up bucket in hand. He wants me to hold him as he drifts off to sleep. Gray wakes up and needs to be nursed. Who gets to be first? How do I decide?

I don't.

All three of us pile into my bed, I cuddle Bam in one arm, and scoop Gray up to nurse in the other. I have to do some funky bending to make it work. I'm exhausted. And uncomfortable. But these babies are happy and content. I relax and let myself doze for a moment, smiling and full of so much love.

I'm not always super mom. But some nights, I'm pretty darn close.