Today Stinks

I am having a bad day.

Why?

Oh let me count the ways. So MANY reasons. Nothing that truly matters. Just a little bit of this and this and that piled all on top of each other, coupled with my raging pregnancy hormones and the fact that despite it being a perfectly chilly fall day, it is 80 degrees in my house and I could cry at the drop of a hat.

So what should I do about it?

I'm going to focus on the positive.

There is a BABY in my belly! And this wonderful little miracle is kicking away!

My little Gray has been showering me with kisses and hugs and cuddles today!

My Bam, despite his problems at school, is truly learning! He came home today and sang me a song he learned. He SANG a SONG! This is huge for him!

My Tee is celebrating a birthday this week. Her existence is amazing and we get to celebrate the awesome person that she is!

My husband is bringing me home dinner! And I don't have to cook it or prepare it in any way!

The sun is shining!

Life is GOOD!

*deep breath*

That helped. It truly did!

Taking the negative of today and letting it go, focusing on the positive and breathing it in. I can't ignore all the negatives...most of them do require some action of some kind. I just can't put effort into those things when I'm crying and yelling and wanting to pound my head into my desk. It's not productive or helpful! So back to that breathing...

It will be okay. IT WILL BE OKAY. It IS okay. IT IS!

Time Flies

Today was my "I'm in labor!" day for Gray. I don't feel like it is possible for her to have already been here for an entire year! It seems like she was just born yesterday. At the same time, I feel like she's been a part of our family forever!

I don't have an "I'm in labor!" day for Bam every year, which always makes me smile. It's like our own special day, the last day where he was safe inside of me, and the day before my life changed in so many ways. Our little guy was THIS.CLOSE. to being a Leap Day baby! So my labor day only comes once every four years. Silly, I know, but it makes me smile.

My little guy turned five a few days a go, and my baby turns one tomorrow.

I'm just in awe at how fast time is flying by!

There have been a few days lately that have been long and hard, and I count the hours to bedtime (for them and for me). Though the days sometimes feel long, life is going by so fast! Tee was just Gray's age, I blinked, and now she's going to parties and losing teeth and having her own opinions.

I know every mom says this, but it is so true - they grow up SO fast!

I've been trying to be more conscious of our moments together. I'm trying to simplify our schedules so we have more time to be together and to play, and less time driving and doing things that aren't as important. I'm working hard to say "yes" to them more often. It's hard after a long day of school and work and homework and teething to step outside my own wants and needs, and to realize that Bam is only going to ask me to play Star Wars with him for so long. One day he won't ask me and I will have missed all of this. I'll miss the kiss on the cheek of gratitude from him and the whispered "Thank you, mama" that I love so much.

He still calls me "mama" and it's the sweetest sound in the world.

It's not easy, this motherhood thing, and I sometimes wish that we had a couple practice years or chances for do-overs. Each age and stage is so different and so exciting, and it's such a hard balance between doing the right thing and enjoying each moment and not messing them up.

Tonight I will kiss my little baby girl to sleep and tomorrow she will wake up as a one year old.

Amazing.

Now

The last few days I have done some serious soul searching. Where should we be, where do we want to be, what does the future hold?

Why did things happen the way they did?

I don't know that I regret my decisions in the past so much as I realize it would have been a lot easier to have chosen differently.

But man, the now? Anyway? It's just amazing.

I knew that being a mom was going to be amazing. I knew it would be hard.

I had NO idea HOW hard.

I had NO idea HOW amazing!

With each new age and phase and milestone, I'm just in awe.

Tee is becoming so much more of an individual, doing her thing, her way. She has the most incredible outlook on life. She still skips into a room and brightens it up with her big smile and her million ideas that she is just bursting to share! I watch Gray now and remember when Tee was that small, and it was just me and her and the hubby. It seems like a completely different life! Then I blinked my eyes and she grew into this really great person! She's sassy, smart, and so funny, with the kindest of hearts. Her energy is contagious!

Then there is my Bam. His birthday is around the corner, and he will be crossing over into this much older stage of life. He's been my baby for so long, the idea of letting go even a little seems crazy! He is the happiest boy. Always smiling, always laughing, in awe of everything around him. He wears his heart on his sleeve and he feels everything in a big way. When he's happy, everyone is happy. When he's sad, you can't help but feel sad right along with him! He has this great imagination and he's always playing and building and telling these incredible stories of events his toys experience. He is genuinely sweet and kind, the first to ask if anything is wrong, and always so polite. He loves everyone so completely!

And my Gray. Is it even possible that it's almost been a year since she came into our lives? It can't be! She is growing and changing so much! Oh how she loves all of us, she is so happy to see her siblings and waves and smiles and blows kisses to them every morning. She has started walking, and it's so much fun to watch! I love watching the older kids interacting with her. Her hair is growing, and she's getting so much taller, and oh my all the teeth! Her big blue eyes suck me in and her laughter melts my heart. She's curious and always following the big kids around to see what they are up to. She takes awhile to warm up to other people, but when she does, oh man is it worth the wait!

To think that had I done things differently back then...I might not be here today. With this. With them.

Sometimes the path isn't easy. Sometimes it's not even the path we had planned. But somehow, someway, we end up exactly where we need to be.

The Snowman

Growing up in the Midwest, our winters were spent playing in the cold and snow, building snowmen and making snow angels, building forts and throwing snowballs. I have many memories of my brothers and I, running around together, laughing and having the best time.

One particular memory I have is of the snowman.

It was a snowy day just like any other, my brothers and I were outside playing together. A few houses down, there was a man outside building a snowman. If I remember right, he was either the brother or the son of the woman living in the house. I remember thinking how odd it seemed to see an adult building a snowman!

But this just wasn't any snowman. This was a SNOWMAN. It was huge! As tall as the man, and so lifelike! The arms were made of snow, and it had such distinct characteristics! It was amazing! 

We went over to watch him work, just in awe. The finished product was amazing. This was not your typical three ball snowman with a carrot nose and stick arms. This was an incredible snow sculpture, unlike anything I had ever seen before!

Immediately, my brothers and I had an idea. We could do this, too!! Off we went back home, immediately taking our time and trying to build a snowman like he had built.

It wasn't that easy.

I don't remember exact details. I know that what we created was okay, but it was nothing like the amazing snow creature our neighbor had built.

We went inside and went to bed.

When we woke up in the morning, we looked outside and lo and behold, there was an amazing, incredible snow sculpture in our front lawn! Just like the one the man had built down the street!

It was amazing. The details were extraordinary! It felt like magic! We had gone to bed and woke up to this amazing, magical snow creature on our lawn!

The man who build it was nowhere to be found.

I will never forget how I felt. I knew the man had built it, but could we be sure? What if this snowman was indeed a REAL snowman? What if it was really magic?

That's how I felt. Lost in the awe and magic of the snow. It was incredible.

So as I watched my own children play in the snow last night, I recalled that winter and the excitement we had all felt. I watched them build their very first snowman together, just the two of them. They were so happy and so excited to watch it come together before their very eyes!

They came inside, cheeks pink, mittens and hats wet, with huge smiles on their faces.

"Snow is like magic, mama." 

It sure is, loves. It sure is.

Enjoy the magic.

(and eat your carrots, per the above pic!)

Thankful

I don't often forget to be thankful for what I have, but this year, especially this year, I'm more grateful than ever.

It's been a big year.

I'm so thankful that we were able to stay in one place. We have moved pretty regularly over the last seven years. I know we aren't done moving yet, we have at least one more move in our future, but for this moment, we are here. 

Being here feels good.

We are finally home. 

Because of that, my sweet Tee was able to stay in the school two years in a row. That seems like such a simple thing. We just went to her school conferences, and though we are always met with good reports on her academics, there are often worries over her behavior. And beyond that, she hadn't been happy.

This year, though? She was blessed with the most amazing teacher who accepts her just the way she is. Allows her to be chatty and social, and teaches her to use those traits in a positive way. That's all it took, an accepting teacher who could see the real her. And she is SO happy. She has friends who she loves, she's not the "new" kid, she feels like she belongs. I am SO thankful.

I am so thankful that my sweet Bam has blossomed. His speech has improved, his vision has been helped tremendously by his glasses, and for the first time in his life he has started to sing! This is HUGE. For years, he would cry and cover his ears anytime I tried to sing him a nursery rhyme, we weren't able to listen to the radio in the car because he couldn't handle the sound. But now? He sings along! Actually sings. He dances. He smiles. He still will have moments when he is frustrated and sounds bother him, and he still can't handle it being too loud, but for the most part, we have turned a huge corner. I am SO thankful.

Then there is my darling Gray. I am so thankful she is here and she is healthy and oh so happy! She is a constant joy in our lives. I had no idea we were missing anything until I looked into her eyes. She's just such a wonderful, happy baby. She was the baby I had been praying for. Had things happened the way I had intended, she would be three years old now. I don't know why it took so long for her to come into our lives, but I can promise you that she is beyond worth the wait. I am SO thankful.

I am thankful that I have a husband who works so hard to provide for us so that I can stay home and care for our kids the way I want to, and so that I can continue on in my college education. He's so supportive, coming home from a long work day to take the baby so I can pour over my books, most of the time coming home to a messy kitchen and a cold dinner. He has been my rock and my shoulder to lean on in my breastfeeding journey with Gray. I have not had the mound of support I had anticipated or had envisioned when it came to nursing her from other areas of my life, but he was in my corner all the way. 

He's always been in my corner, backing me all the way with every crazy idea or dream I've had. He truly is my partner and soul mate. I am SO thankful.

I'm thankful that my mother has remained in my life, no matter what. I'm thankful for each of my three brothers, near and far, they are always close to my heart. I'm thankful for my extended family, my grandmothers, my cousins, aunts and uncles, all of my dear friends, my husband's entire family.

We are blessed to be loved by so many wonderful people.

I'm just thankful. For it all. Every second of it. The good and the bad. The ups and the downs of this past year were extreme, but through all of it, through God, we are here and standing.

For that, I am SO thankful.

Love each other this holiday season. Be the good. 

Change the World ~ Freecycle

I've been working hard to find ways to involve my kids in helping others. It seems like we spend a lot of time in the car, racing here and there, school, activities, coming and going. Our free time is rushed to get homework done, finish laundry, get everybody showered and in bed.

Rush, rush, rush.

I want them to understand how lucky we are.

Admittedly, we aren't in the best of places, but there are people even more worse off than us.

And we have so much STUFF. People are kind and wonderful and we have been blessed by gifts from so many. I want my kids to be able to pass on to others.

So then there is freecycle. You've heard of it, right? Where you pass on your belongings to others?

There's no guarantee that you are passing on to somebody less fortunate, and that's not really the point. It's passing on and fulfilling a need. And sometimes you really get a chance to connect.

I know a lot of people who sell their belongings, and that's wonderful! It just isn't what's in my heart right now.

So we freecycle. Today we passed on some boys clothing to a single mom who was struggling to get winter clothes for her little boy. We also passed on some girls clothing to a family of little girls who are growing like weeds.

A few weeks a go, I cleaned out Bam's room and he helped me pick out some toys he no longer plays with. I put them on freecycle, and got a response from a very sweet woman. Her daughter had called her in a panic earlier that day because she was having trouble getting the money together for her son's third birthday that weekend. Her email spoke to me. It wasn't that long a go when we found ourselves in a similar position and I had felt like the worst mother in the world.

I told Bam how his toys were going to go to a little boy who wasn't getting much for his birthday, and my sweet little boy's heart was broken for this other child. He ran off to his room and collected a few more toys and a brand new coloring book for this other boy.

I knew in that moment that I am doing something right!

So we put the large bag of goodies on the porch. A few hours later, I hear a knock on the door. It was the grandma picking up the toys. She wanted to show me a picture of her sweet grandson and thank me personally. She was very sweet, and even volunteered to help us in the yard in the spring if we needed help. I love meeting kind hearted people!

A few weeks prior to that, I read a post from a woman in search of baby items. Her daughter's friend had given birth, and subsequently been kicked out of her home. This poor girl was in a desperate situation, and this kind woman had opened her doors and taken the two of them in. They had nothing for a baby, and she was asking solely for the basics, some clothes, diapers, anything at all. I searched my heart and knew I was ready to pass on some of our bigger baby items.

So I responded and collected for her a swing, a bouncer, and all the little boy clothes I could find.

A very sweet teenage girl showed up to pick it up and gave me the biggest hug and thanked me for helping her friend. I told her what an amazing person she was and her family was for helping this girl and her brand new baby.

I don't always make these types of connections on freecycle, but sometimes I do.

It's simple. One small act of kindness. Giving of something to somebody who needs it. That's it. I didn't spend any money, I didn't go out of my way, my schedule for the day did not have to be rearranged. Just one little bag on my front porch could change the day for one other person.

One small act can change the world. Maybe not the entire world, but one person's world. And that's enough.

Check out the website! www.freecycle.org

I love their tagline... changing the world one gift at a time.

THAT, my friends, is my point. One small thing. You can do it!

I'm Funny

"Hey, Bam, keep your eyes peeled for Mimi!"

*hysterical laughter*

"Mama, my eyes are not bananas!"

*more hysterical laughter*

"Mama, you are the funniest mama ever!"

Heck yeah I am. I should get a trophy or a plaque or an embroidered pillow or something!

I Want to Remember

It was a long day. I was beyond grateful that all three kids had finally fallen asleep. I needed a moment, or two, or three, to just breathe. Gray was asleep in my arms, after a long nursing session. I laid her down, and she immediately stirred and started to whimper. I felt broken, tired, will she ever sleep? I picked her up, her sweet hand rested on my cheek, her face buried into my neck, and with a big sigh, she was asleep again. I smelled her, the sweet mix of milk and baby-ness that is just intoxicating. I thought about laying her down again, because I desperately needed some time to myself. I just couldn't do it. Instead, we walked back to the couch, and I just held her. I thought about how fast these five months have gone. How fast the next five will go, and the five after that, and the five after that. I tried to think back to Tee and Bam at this age. Why couldn't I picture every moment with them? Why isn't it so clear? I remember things, yes. A lot of it is general. How Tee would only sleep if I was next to her, how we spent our mornings giggling in bed together while Daddy was still at work. How Bam would spend hours awake, and we'd sit rocking night after night, his little body aching in pain from a gluten intolerance we didn't understand. How he'd put his sweet cheek next to mine, our faces facing the same direction. He never would put his head in my neck to cuddle like his sisters did, we were always cheek to cheek.

I guess I do remember more than I gave myself credit for, but I want to remember everything. Every second of their babyhood. Every moment, every breath, everything. I just can't grasp it. I know they were little once, but how did they grow so quickly? Why can't I picture them at this exact age and time as Gray is tonight? I feel like I'm losing them, slowly, like sand through my fingers, slipping away. All the memories. I can barely feel them, I can barely remember the smell of their sweet skin, the sound of their sweet laughter.

So I don't worry any more about that moment of alone time I so desperately had daydreamed about all day. All I think about is how I want this moment, this moment right here, to be the one I remember for the rest of my life.

So I soak her in.

Her chubby fingers and toes, ankles and thighs, wrists and cheeks. I kiss her head at least a hundred times, feeling her soft hair brush my lips. I can't help but smell her, close my eyes, and try to burn that smell into my memory. I want to be able to recall exactly what she smelled like. I let my body relax and try to imprint exactly how she feels against me, where she places her hands and arms, how her feet curl up under her, exactly how heavy she feels against me. I try and match my breathing to hers, in hopes that we can connect deeper than just my imagination. I hold her tight, eyes closed, and I force this moment to become important. I run it through my head several times, over and over, hoping that I won't ever forget.

This motherhood thing is so amazing. It's frustrating and scary and wonderful all tied into one. I can't believe time is passing by so quickly, each day and year more exciting than the last, and I look forward to what these people will become. But in that excitement, I don't want to lose the moments we shared of who they once were. Three tiny little people, completely different from each, completely and utterly loved by everything that I have, completely dependent on me to give them the life they deserve. It's sometimes too big to even wrap my mind around.

So, I won't. I'll just soak in this moment. This moment with my sweet Gray, wrapped in my arms, entwined in my soul for eternity. I will never forget how this feels.

Linking up with Just Write

A day in the life

Summer is in full swing and my time management has flown out the window.

We come and go as we please, spending hours in our pjs and staying up late.

I feel stretched and strained and carefree all at the same time.

We are getting in a groove. Slow but sure.

I question my abilities, how to spread myself and fulfill all their needs.

One night this week Bam woke up in the middle of the night sick. I brought him to my room, throw up bucket in hand. He wants me to hold him as he drifts off to sleep. Gray wakes up and needs to be nursed. Who gets to be first? How do I decide?

I don't.

All three of us pile into my bed, I cuddle Bam in one arm, and scoop Gray up to nurse in the other. I have to do some funky bending to make it work. I'm exhausted. And uncomfortable. But these babies are happy and content. I relax and let myself doze for a moment, smiling and full of so much love.

I'm not always super mom. But some nights, I'm pretty darn close.