Thursday, June 7, 2012

10 Years

I graduated from high school 10 years a go today.

And now you all know how old I am. Or how young I am, however you want to spin it.

I knew this was the year. There has been talks of the reunion in November. I didn't think it was really a big deal.

Then today. Today marks the official day. There is so much of high school I wish I'd done differently. I was a terrible friend. That's something I still work on today. I was so glad to graduate and get away from my senior year.

But then what? In 10 years, I don't see what's changed. I'm still sick to my stomach, rehashing senior year over and over in my mind. What about college? 10 years later...still taking classes. Nothing to show for it.

I just envisioned so much more in my life, for my life, for my family. This wasn't what was supposed to happen.

I just can't let go.

I'd go back in a heartbeat, and do it all over again. But better. I would make so many different choices.

I know I need to let go. That's been a huge crutch in my life. I just hold on to everything. I hold on to the dreams dashed. I hold on to the friendships ruined. I hold on to the pain. I want to go back and fix it all rather than accept and move on and foster the new relationships in my life. Or make new ones. I can't fix it all.

I sound so ridiculous. I should not feel so sad and defeated.

I feel like I have nothing to show for it.

I'm trying to look outside of me, and see the good. Because it is there. I married a wonderful man who loves me and supports my craziness. I have three fabulous, beautiful children. I have trouble seeing much more than that, but that's still a pretty big thing.

It needs to be enough. It is enough. It's more than enough.

So baggage be gone. Take the motivation and make the next 10 mean even more.

Brushing that off my shoulder as we speak. Insert relief here.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you're still holding on. I don't have any great advice, but I want to say something encouraging...I think that being a mother to three wonderful children and a wife to a good man is way more important than anything that could have happened in high school.