We Must

Change is scary. Good change, bad change, everything in between, I always seem to want to hold back and hang on to the everyday mellowness that I've become accustomed to.

I have always felt this yearning to do something big.

I've started with the biggest part of my life, throwing myself completely and unabashedly into motherhood. Being a mom has changed me in many ways. I know that's what everyone says, and I truly believe everyone means it. How could they not?

For me, being a mother has completed me, reached into the deep caverns of my soul that I didn't even know existed and filled them with love and meaning. I am passionate about motherhood. Not just in my role of molding and loving these amazing little people, but in all of the extras that come along with it. I am passionate about every aspect. I want to share with people my personal journey. I want to inspire others to find their own truth within motherhood and become the person they always were meant to be because of their children, not in spite of.

Motherhood has compelled me to reach back into my dreams and dust off a little corner I had long forgotten. I had given up on so many thoughts and goals and ideas in college when I had felt less than important, incompetent, and was generally convinced that I had no real purpose in life. Then I jumped into my 20s and spent the better part of the last ten years growing my family. Within those ten years, I found myself again. Those little dusty dreams that I had long forgotten have crept back to the surface and I'm starting to feel like I can't just push them back inside anymore. They need to get out, they need to breathe and grow and take life.

I'm ready to stop holding those dreams back. They've been calling me, begging me to allow them to take shape and take off. My passion for motherhood has catapulted me into a place I never dreamed possible, but that I've been working toward my entire life.

Change is scary. But change is necessary. In order for us to grow and become all that we are meant to become and do all that we are meant to do, we must change. We must.

Deep Breath

When I started this blog, I tried to envision the kind of blogger I’d be.

I knew that the blog would primarily be a place for me to just write. Write about my kids, my life, my feelings. Nothing special or significant to anyone but me.

I read other blogs and sometimes I just can’t help but to wish I could write like them! Humorous blogs are great! I laugh along with every other reader when I read about the chaos and frustration of other families. I get it, I relate. I just can’t write like that.

The problem I continuously have with this and other blogs I've written is this attempt to write what I think other people want to read. That is completely opposite of my original purpose for the blog. Who wants to read a blog about a woman with a boatload of crazy children who just sings their praises constantly and wonders if she’ll ever be able to reach any of her dreams? That’s not entertaining.

Though it is the truth.

So I’m succumbing to myself and the writer within me.

Sometimes I may have funny things to say. I live with a bunch of energetic kids, something funny is almost always happening!

Sometimes I’ll talk about how overwhelmed I am with my life. Because it’s true. And I am.

But for the most part, I will be writing from a positive place.

I can’t help it, to be honest. That’s just who I am. I've always been a “glass half full” kinda lady. For better or for worse, no matter what is happening in my life. Some people seem to relate to that and encourage that behavior in me. Most of the time, I’m met with animosity, claims that I’m unrealistic and out of touch. And maybe that’s all true. But I've been this way my entire life. It’s just the person that I am.

I WANT to be happy. I WANT to be positive. I don’t want to wake up feeling miserable every single day of my life. Sometimes I do wake up and am angry at the world, but I try very hard to move past that. I just don’t want to live that kind of life. I truly believe that happiness comes from within, and that we are each capable of choosing how we feel about a particular situation.

I often here that I’m “fake” because I’m “too nice” or “too positive” and that this is all just an act. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I am just being me. No apologies.

As I move forward with this blog, with my life, I feel refocused and ready to be me. Authentic. Real. Genuine. Good, bad, and everything in between.

I will continue to dream big. I will continue to envision how I will make a difference in the world. I will continue to parent in my ever-evolving style. I will continue to love deeply and passionately and unconditionally in every facet of my life. Will that all make for entertaining writing? Eh, not always. But it’s real, and that’s important.

Taking Leaps

We are falling into a routine. Tee and Bam are at school, doing their thing. Gray and the Baby are home with me. We're figuring things out. Slowly.

Toddlers are harder than newborns. Just an FYI, in case you were wondering.

School started back up for me. Yeah, I'm a bit crazy like that, going to school while juggling 3,000 kids and everything else...but I WANT THIS. I truly do. I NEED to finish school. For me. For my kids. It has to happen. I'm not slowing down or stopping this time.

What's interesting, though, is that the Baby's birth has triggered inside me a whole new way of approaching my goals. As a family, we've veered away from a lot of the mainstream thoughts on parenting and have adopted what some may call more of an attachment parenting style. It's all just labels, really. At the end of the day, we love our kids and do the very best we can for them. Just like every other parent I know, whether they make the same choices I do or not! My point is that as we've taken this new path, I've discovered a lot more about myself and where my heart lies. I've been thinking about where to go with my degree and my career over the last several years, and this pregnancy really set me on the path to fully understand what my heart has been telling me. Holding this baby in my arms, it all seemed clear.

Vague enough, huh?

Well, it is what it is for now. I need to explore more what I want to do with these ideas and plans that are exploding inside my head. I've found a love for all things natural. I want to explore how nutrition can make or break your health. I'm in love with natural childbirth, and at bare minimum an informed CHOICE in birth. Breastfeeding has become a passion of mine. Raising babies and kids has fulfilled me in ways I didn't think possible. I have expanded the area that my degree is heading in, and I think I will be able to finally put some concrete plans together. Plans that make my heart sing!

In the meantime, I am jumping head first into my business. I've puttered around long enough, putting it off, getting scared, not taking the leap. I'm no longer allowing myself to get in the way of my plans. That's really it, I get in the way of myself. No more!

Taking leaps is scary business.

One Year

We did it!

Gray is one year old today which means that we have successfully breastfed for an entire year.

This is HUGE for me! Gray is my third baby, but the first baby that I breastfed.

I tried with Tee. I lasted two days. It was horrible. It was so painful. The nurses at the hospital were so mean. I didn't really have anyone to help me figure it out. The hubby was supportive, but he was just as clueless as me. My heart still breaks thinking about the moment I gave her formula for the first time. I cried and cried, feeling like a failure. I was told I couldn't do it and I believed it.

With Bam, I used formula for the start. Tee was fine, she never had any problems, so I didn't think twice about it. This is one of my biggest regrets. My sensitive boy would probably have benefited so much from breastmilk. His first year was a nightmare.

When I found out I was pregnant with Gray, I knew that breastfeeding was something I had wanted to do. I was nervous, thinking back to that horribly mean nurse who told me I'd never be able to feed my baby on my own. This time I knew I had to take control of the situation, take control of my body, and take control of my baby. I did so much research. I joined every breastfeeding support group I could find. My awesome hubby was on board with me and we decided we were going to do this, no matter what.

And we did just that.

I will admit, the first two weeks were not fun. I was so exhausted, and unlike with my formula feeding babies, waking up for feedings in the middle of the night fell completely on me. I had no clue how to manage the older two and feed the baby at the same time. I was in tears almost every night when the hubby came home from work. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and doubting my own ability to nourish my child.

After one particularly rough day, the hubby looked me in the eye and said he was going to help me and went off to the store. With no knowledge himself about breastfeeding beyond what I had told him, he marched into Babies 'R Us and asked for help. He came home loaded down with an electric pump, breast pads, and the single most important item that saved me - gel pads for nipple relief. Seriously, I will buy them for every new mama gift from now on!

Just like that, with his help and belief in me, I settled back into my mind that I could do this. I read through my favorite book several times and tried every trick to make sure I had the perfect latch.

If you are planning to breastfeed, this book is a MUST!

 

Then one morning I woke up and everything was better! I wasn't sore, Gray slept a little bit longer, and I suddenly felt like I could do this.

 

And I did.

 

We did!

 

As is customary in the world of mama wars, here is my disclaimer: this post is NOT about me judging YOU for YOUR choices! Your choices are yours alone. As a mama who has fed her babies both with formula and breastmilk, I could never judge, and would never. This post is purely me feeling proud of myself for doing what I chose to do.

 

And I'm ecstatic that we did it! Through the support of my amazing husband and the many friends I've made in support groups, I was able to withstand the challenges of breastfeeding, along with all the negativity that comes with it - the name calling, the dirty looks, the mocking. I've become a better person for it. I no longer look at other people's opinions of my actions as an indication of whether my choices are right or wrong. I am firm and confident and sure of myself.

 

Me breastfeeding my baby at a parade! No cover, no big deal!

 

This journey has been amazing, and I've learned so much about myself as a mother. I feel more connected with all of my children, and I feel more in tune with myself than I have been in a long time.

 

We did it. Gray and I did it. Our whole family did it. We made it!

 

And we are not done here. We will wean when she's ready. No rush.

 

So today, on my baby girl's first birthday, I celebrate not only her existence, but our amazing breastfeeding adventure. This year has been incredible, and she completes me and our family in ways I never could have imagined. I'm grateful for her, for her life, her smile, and the opportunity to be her mama.

Now

And if not now, when?

~ Talmud ~

This quote has been in my heart as I plan and move forward through my days.

What am I waiting for?

Over the last month or so, I've been reminded all too often how very short life truly is.

For many years, since Tee came into the picture, we've just been here, waiting for things to get easier.

Cause it always will, right?

Eh.

Sure, we got through hard times, we always found a way to make things work when things seemed impossible. 

But why is that okay?

Yes, we made it through, good for us. But wouldn't it have been a lot better if we hadn't needed to? 

We just sit and wait for things to change.

That's not exactly how it works, it seems.

If you want things to be different, you have to do things differently.

It doesn't just magically get better.

So, there we go.

If not now, when?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I want to thank everyone who has "liked" my facebook fan page over the last few days! If you'd like to follow me there for updates, visit: Super Mama to the Rescue on Facebook

Also! Please feel free to join in on the conversation here on the blog! I will respond to every comment! If you have a blog, I will come and visit your page, as well! 

Is there anything you've been putting off doing? Something you keep waiting to change? Share with me!

No Exceptions

To change one's life:

Start immediately.

Do it flamboyantly.

No exceptions.

~ William James ~

As a Christmas gift for my youngest brother, I bought him a pocket calendar and filled the pages with quotes to inspire him. In the process of searching for appropriate quotes, I came across this one, and it hit me hard. I ended up using this one at the beginning of the calendar, hoping to inspire him and push him to know that he can do anything, that it's all in his hands.

This quote has stuck with me ever since. I think it's my motto for 2013. Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.

No exceptions.

I've been stuck for a long time, going with the flow, feeling behind constantly and desperately trying to catch up. We just sit here and wait for things to change. That's not how it works.

If I want things to change, I've got to do something about it.

Sure, I can't change some situations or events that happen. It is what it is. But I can change my attitude about them. I can change the power they have over my life. And I can certainly change what I do about them.

I don't have to accept that this is it, this is the best it's going to be, that I am a victim of my circumstances. I have the power to change it.

So I'm going to.

I'm going to start immediately. Right this second.

I'm going to do it flamboyantly. Go big or go home, right?

No exceptions. No excuses. 

This is my year.

Hello, 2013!

I'm a list maker. It's my thing.

My favorite gift is a notebook and a new pen. Not those smeary kinds...I'm talking a good solid ball point pen.

Then I make lists. Lots and lots of lists.

So when New Year rolls around, I get excited!

Yes, I'm into the whole resolution thing. Mostly because it involves making a list!

Also because I need a fresh start. Whether it's on the first of the year, the first of the month, or next Tuesday, I need a fresh start.

This is MY year. This year is my family's year. We will conquer it. We will own it. We will revel in the excitement and experiences and challenges and moments.

Good or bad, I'm taking it all in.

Part of me feels a bit nervous to be excited and open to the possibilities. I think I keep peering around the corner waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But I can't live like that anymore.

Living now, right here, in this moment.

So my resolutions! Or goals. Or plans. Whatever you want to call it, I got 'em.

1. Be more patient. Yell less. Pretty self-explanatory. I am just like any other Super Mama - we all get frustrated and anxious and sometimes our littles just happen to not follow directions at the same time that mama is having a moment and...well, yeah. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes it's not even deserved. Then I'm left feeling like the worst mama in the world. So this year, I am going to push myself to be more patient. I realize that I will not be perfect at this, and that's okay. I want to be aware and work harder at it. My littles each have their own unique obstacles to overcome currently, and it's often hard to remember that the reason they may not be listening or following directions could quite possibly be because of these obstacles and not because they are ignoring me. This is a big one for me, which is why it's number one. I hope in a year from now to have an even happier home because mama thought a little bit first before opening her big mouth.

2. Start my business. YES. This is going to happen! March 1, 2013. DONE. More information as the time nears. ;)

3. Make my home a healthy home. We seem to be the rare house these days. My kids have never had to go to the doctor for a sick visit, they have never been on antibiotics. I have purposely made lifestyle changes and decisions to directly benefit their health. But when it comes to what we eat and what products we use, I'm not quite there. This is the year I really dive into the health world. I want to eat GOOD food that is GOOD for you. Though I'm healthy according to every standard blood test done by my doctor, I'm not HEALTHY. I don't FEEL good. I'm in pain every day. I'd rather lay in bed than get up because getting up physically hurts. I'm finally going to take my health into my own hands! This involves a number of things, but first and foremost is changing the food we eat. I'm excited to eat clean! I'm excited to feel better, to be better, to do more. We've made some changes with the chemicals used in our home, and I will continue to make those changes this year. My mom sometimes calls me a hippie...and yeah, I'm pretty much okay with that! Green, crunchy, call me whatever! When you know better, you do better.

4. Lose weight. This goes with number three. Eating better food and getting exercise is high on my list of priorities. I have a number in mind I'd like to get to one day, but for right now, I just want to feel better. Only way to make that happen is to do some work on myself.

5. Make my relationship with the hubby a priority. Oh how easy it is to let this one slide! He's a great man, a great daddy, a great husband. Because we are going, going, going trying to keep ourselves afloat, the time spent with each other is not always quality time. We do see each other every evening after the kids go to bed, and we often spend that time catching up and cuddling up to some movies, but it's broken up between nightmares and barking dogs and nursing babies. I plan to make a point of the two of us getting out together...just us!...more often, and making the time together at home a little more special from time to time.

6. More family time. We've gotten away from this over the last year. I think between the stress of life and having a new baby and every other event over the last year, quality family time disappeared. I think we all missed it. Movie nights, game nights, going out to eat together, trips to the museum and the zoo, all good stuff.

7. Spend more time with our extended family. Sometimes it's hard to fit it all in, and when you come from two very big families, it's hard to find the time. I'm not planning on visiting every single member of our family every single weekend, but I want to make an effort to visit more often. To send notes and cards, to make actual phone calls (instead of just "liking" a comment on facebook!). Life is too short, we need to spend time with the ones we love while we can.

8. Volunteer. This is a big one for me. I want to spend my time volunteering, individually as well as with my family. I've already volunteered to help with a project this month (more on that later!). We also have a local food pantry that I've signed my entire family up to help out at.

9. Continue with school. I say continue because it's true, I have fallen off the wagon a time or two...or more. I've done great for a year or two and then life happens, and here I am, 10 years after graduating high school, still going to college. I have one more semester to go to complete the business certificate I was working toward, and I plan to make that happen.

10. Budget. What? What's that word? Yeah, I know, I've never heard of it, either. Which explains a lot, really! This is the year of financial security. Or at least financial sanity! We have plans to budget, to pay off old debts, and to get ourselves in a position to make some big changes for our family in the next few years.

11. Go to church. I grew up in a home where I went to church every Sunday. I went to a school where I went to church every Friday. I did double time for years. Somewhere along the way, the idea of waking up and getting the kids ready and driving became too much. I feel a little empty in the faith department sometimes, and I want to feel renewed. God is present in my life, absolutely, but I want that connection to be deeper. I think part of the reason that we've fallen away from church is because we moved away from the church I've attended for my entire life. The church where I was married, the church where all three of my babies were baptized. I know that we need to find a church where we are now, and it's bittersweet. But the time has come, I can't avoid it anymore, I need this. I need a place to call home.

12. Teach my children values. That's our job as the parents, right? Instill in our children values. What values? I need to identify those. I want them to be kind and gracious, giving and caring, helpful and considerate, among many other things. But what am I doing about it? Do I model those behaviors and values for my kids? Maybe. Sometimes. Certainly not always, and maybe not even all that often. How else will they learn? They need to see me be the person I want them to be. Subsequently, I will become the person I want to become. Score!

13. Positivity! That's my motto for 2013. Positivity only! If I can't contribute positively to a conversation, I won't respond. I will not gossip or talk negatively about people. I will see the glass half full at all times. I won't allow negative energy in my home and in my life and in my heart. I'm generally a positive person, but I've realized that a lot of that energy has been sucked away by the negativity that I allow around me. I have the choice to be and say and do whatever I choose, and I can choose to be happy and I can choose to be positive. I will contribute only positivity to the world this year.

So there we go! 13 for 2013. Perfect!

I don't find resolutions to be hindering in any way. I don't find them to be a reminder of what I will fail at this year. I know I won't be perfect. Am I perfect at anything, really? Not a chance! So what this becomes is a road map to the person I want to be this year. A vision of the life I want to create for my children this year. Placing my priorities on what really matters instead of wasting my energy on things I cannot change.

It's good, people. Resolutions are good. Goals are good. Change is good. Allow yourself to become the person you were meant to be this year.

So, there you go, 2013. Bring it on!