Plans and lists and DO IT!

How many times can you "start over"?

I keep asking myself that. I have these great plans and ideas and make lists of things I'll do tomorrow and the next day.

And then I don't.

I muddle through. I plan to make breakfast every morning. Instead, we stop at the gas station and grab donuts with about five minutes to spare before the first bell rings.

I plan to catch up on the laundry, which is a pretty lofty goal for six people, but I plan on it. I wash and dry load after load, and put the piles of clean clothes on the bed. Then it's suddenly bedtime and I don't really want to put the clothes away so they end up in a pile and that pile inevitably falls over and of course it's raining and I just let the dog in and she's laying on that once-clean pile of laundry so I guess I'll catch up on the laundry tomorrow.

I plan to sit down and update my website and work on my business which excites me and I want to dive in! But then I sit down which is the universal symbol for "hey my boobs are free" and both the little girls want to nurse and I remind myself that this season in my life will pass too quickly so I close the laptop and focus on my girls but I never do pick that laptop up again because now I have to pick up the big kids from school and then dinner and homework and bedtime.

I plan and I plan and I plan and I never, ever DO.

I want to slap myself in the face and remind myself THAT THIS IS POSSIBLE. Living and breathing and creating and mothering can be done, can be done well, can be done moderately okay even, and I can DO THIS. I just have to DO.

Four kids is hard work. Heck, ONE kid is hard work! Gosh, even having no kids and just trying to figure out YOURSELF is hard work!

I'm just trying to work through each day, being what I can to who needs it, doing what I can when possible, and trying to hold out just a little bit of hope that my dreams for my life can and will come to fruition, despite and maybe even because of the breakfasts and the laundry and the nursing.

Reality

I'm still in the newborn bliss stage.

I'm also in the oh-crap-I-have-four-kids stage.

And a dog.

And a husband.

And dreams that need care and attention just like my babies.

And dishes to be washed and laundry to be sorted and why don't I have one of those vacuums that runs all by itself?

Life around here is chaotic. The clutter multiplies from each room to the next. I swear I get rid of one thing and four things show up in its place. My mind is running a mile a minute, and physically I'm doing the same thing. But I just GAVE BIRTH and my body can't quite keep up with what I need it to do. Throw in the lack of sleep and I'm a big ole mess.

This is reality, folks.

I often post about how wonderful things are and how happy I am, and those are all true. But the reality is that mixed in between the wonderful things and the happy is pure and utter chaos. Most of the time, the chaos is great. I can handle it. But sometimes the chaos is the dirty, messy, tantrum-throwing, I-can't-find-my-homework, stop-hitting-your-sister, I-hate-you-mom-you-ruined-my-life kind of chaos.

The reality is that it's not all butterflies and sunshine and happy unicorns around here. The glitter and sparkle aren't always exciting; sometimes they are just a bitch to clean up off the floor.

Sometimes we run out of toilet paper in the middle of a stomach bug. Sometimes the dog jumps on the counter and EATS the dinner I just pulled out of the oven. Sometimes I just want two minutes so that I can pee...ALONE.

A lot of these not-so-pretty moments are just part of living. Sometimes there are moments in there that I'm not proud of. Like when I lose my temper over things that are meaningless. Or when I realize my words are the problem. Or when I pretend I can't find the book she wants me to read for the 300th time and the truth is I kicked it under the couch.

I'm real. This ain't always a picnic.

The whole "Super Mama" thing is not because I think I'm just the most fabulous mother to ever walk the face of the Earth. It's because my KIDS think I am. Isn't that amazing? We can have the worst day ever around here...I can forget that we dance class and only have ten minutes left to eat so I pour a bowl of cereal for everyone, and then we are late to dance class, and then I almost run out of gas getting home and have to pull over in below freezing temps to pump the gas and I'm cold and damn it why didn't I tell the hubby to get me gas that morning, and crap we didn't finish homework and I didn't dry the towels so showers won't happen tonight and the baby wants to nurse RIGHT FREAKING NOW and oops bedtime passed 30 minutes ago...

...and as I come to tuck them in to bed, they tell me that it was the BEST day ever.

That I'm the best MOM ever.

On those particular nights, I typically hug them close, remind them how much I love them and how amazing they are, and then off I go to cry about how I don't deserve such awesome kids.

But they DO love me...in the worst and in the best moments. And life isn't just one or the other. So if they can still love me in the worst...well, then, I guess I'm doing a good job.

Today is yet another no-school-because-Mother-Nature-is-a-whack-job day. The kids are home and it's too cold to leave the house and they are still getting over a stomach bug anyway...so today, I'm just going to try and hold it together. At this very moment, the baby is asleep on my chest, and I'm soaking in the sweet newborn-ness. Bam and Gray are laying on the couch together sharing a pillow and a blanket, and Tee went and poured everyone a drink. They are all being so kind and sweet, and I'm overflowing with love for them.

I feel so LUCKY to have them. Yes, I also have a ton of laundry and dishes and cleaning to do. Yes, I have my own homework that I need to catch up on. Yes, I have a LOT going on in my head that I want to do or achieve that just aren't happening right now. BUT...most importantly...I have THIS. I have this chaos that is so full of commotion and crazy and joy and love and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Today Stinks

I am having a bad day.

Why?

Oh let me count the ways. So MANY reasons. Nothing that truly matters. Just a little bit of this and this and that piled all on top of each other, coupled with my raging pregnancy hormones and the fact that despite it being a perfectly chilly fall day, it is 80 degrees in my house and I could cry at the drop of a hat.

So what should I do about it?

I'm going to focus on the positive.

There is a BABY in my belly! And this wonderful little miracle is kicking away!

My little Gray has been showering me with kisses and hugs and cuddles today!

My Bam, despite his problems at school, is truly learning! He came home today and sang me a song he learned. He SANG a SONG! This is huge for him!

My Tee is celebrating a birthday this week. Her existence is amazing and we get to celebrate the awesome person that she is!

My husband is bringing me home dinner! And I don't have to cook it or prepare it in any way!

The sun is shining!

Life is GOOD!

*deep breath*

That helped. It truly did!

Taking the negative of today and letting it go, focusing on the positive and breathing it in. I can't ignore all the negatives...most of them do require some action of some kind. I just can't put effort into those things when I'm crying and yelling and wanting to pound my head into my desk. It's not productive or helpful! So back to that breathing...

It will be okay. IT WILL BE OKAY. It IS okay. IT IS!

The Summer That Wasn't

Did this summer really just fly by? Are we seriously halfway through AUGUST? This is crazy. Ridiculous! I had this big idea of achieving everything on our summer bucket list...

We never even finished writing the bucket list!

What happened?!?!

So maybe this summer wasn't as magical and fun-filled as I had planned. It was filled with a lot of loss, actually, in more than one way. It was not the "best summer EVER" like I had hoped it would be.

I guess that's part of this whole living/parenting thing, right? Not every day goes according to plan.

For a moment this morning, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, and for my kids. Thinking that they have to wait a whole 9 months or so to try this summer thing again.

Then I stopped myself.

Stop the crazy talk, mama!

Why wait 9 months? Why does fun only have to happen in the summer? This may not have been the summer filled with fun trips and play dates and parties and excitement that I had envisioned. That doesn't mean that TODAY can't be fun! Or tomorrow! Or September! Or winter!

School is starting and the fall is almost here. That means fun of a different kind. School events. Apple orchards. Cider mills. Hayrides. Movie nights. Sleepovers. This is fun, too!

So though summer kind of got away from me, you better believe that fall is going to be pretty spectacular.  There will be no bucket list to hold over my head, making me feel incompetent and lazy. I can give myself the grief without the list watching me day in and day out.

I did just bookmark a couple websites with ideas for summer bucket lists, though. Maybe we will try again next year. Maybe we won't.

Maybe I will just try and make today special and then go from there.

Sleep, Baby, Sleep

Hello, bloggy world. It has been awhile, eh?

Life sure can get complicated.

Finals. The cold from hell. Family obligations. Softball. T-ball. Breastfeeding this kid all day...and night.

And so.much.more.

It's hard to keep up with life.

I feel like it has been one thing after another since the end of April. I don't know that we are completely out from under all of the obstacles and challenges, but I can finally breathe a little easier and see a small light at the end of the tunnel.

It's small, but it is promising.

I can hold on to anything promising.

I'm trying to grasp on to life as it is right now, trying to catch up, trying to be in control. We have a few more weeks of summer and I want to truly enjoy it. I want to be organized and prepared once school starts for myself and for the two big kids. We have a lot to do.

I have a sleeping baby next to me on the couch. I don't dare move because she senses it and I really needed her to take a good nap today. The other two are running around in their bathing suits squirting water at each other from their baby sister's bath toys. Part of me is impressed with their creativity as they've created an entire world for themselves; the other part of me is horrified at the mess I'm going to have to clean up.

But I will just sit. Let them enjoy. Let the baby sleep. Breathe. Convince myself that I got this whole mommy thing down.

My poker face is pretty good. I can pull it off.

Deep breath.