Quiet

I've been quiet.

It's not a bad quiet, at least, it's more of a productive quiet.

I've made it through almost six weeks of yet another college semester. Still chugging along. It's starting to pick up pace, and I'm slowly becoming not quite as far ahead as I had thought. That's slightly terrifying. Six classes on top of everything else is sometimes overwhelming, but I will not falter. This is a goal that I will meet.

I've taken some steps to work on some health things that have been going on. One kid needs this, another needs this, and me...oh gosh, it's easy to put ourselves on the back burner, isn't it? I put off going to the doctor, I reason away each symptom swiftly and easily, not seeing the big picture of it all. It's easy to do. We have a plan of action for everyone in the house...even me.

On a more exciting front, and the real reason for my lack of exuberance around here lately, is that I've been in full business mode! That's right, this mama has taken the leap! It feels incredible! Exhilarating and terrifying all rolled into one.

Balance is going to be needed. Organization is necessary. But it all will come together.

We enjoyed a nice week off school for my littles. Mid-winter break is sometimes a really wonderful thing! We needed the time to decompress, to be together, to just BE. Sometimes we need that to get a fresh view of things.

So tomorrow comes another Monday. Back to school for everyone. A long lists of errands to tackle. Two birthdays in two weeks. Homework. Girl Scouts. PTA. Book fair. And the official launch of my company.

Back to reality we go. Full steam ahead!

Stepping Out

A lot has happened since my last post.

For the most part, I've shook the gloominess out of my system. Which is good.

I'm still struggling with some things. Balancing between right and wrong, what feels good and what hurts. It's a fine line sometimes.

I can't change people and I can't make things better, so it leaves me conflicted and frustrated.

And hurt. But that's my own emotion, I choose to feel that way. I don't have to let their actions hurt me. I choose to do so. Something to work on.

I am a firm believer in removing toxic people from your life. I can't handle that kind of negativity all the time. For whatever reason, negativity sucks all the energy out of the room, it dominates and it destroys, and it's hard to back away once you let it in. 

So I struggle. Because I can't just remove everyone that I should. It's not that easy.

For now, though, I need to move past that, allow that situation to do its thing, to let it grow or move or change as it will. I cannot control it, so I will not focus my energy on it.

What I will focus my energy on is the life in front of me. So much is happening in the near future, and it's all good things!

Bam will turn 5 in a few short weeks.

Gray will turn 1 just a week or so later.

And my business. It's time! Very shortly, we will be launching.

I'm stepping outside my comfort zone and making magic happen. This is huge for me. I like to stay where I'm comfortable, where I know what is expected of me and where I know I can meet all of those expectations, where there is little failure. But with no risk, there is no chance for greatness. So I'm stepping out, cautiously, nervously, scared...but I'm going.

I'm doing it!

I have big plans for this space, too. It will become more than just a place for my random thoughts. For now, though, as I deal with these personal hurdles, it will be a little of everything. Stay tuned.

Broken

I thought I had avoided my annual January low point. And perhaps I did, because it's now February. It found me, though. The low found me.

I love the snow and the cold and the dreary, cuddly days, but today the snow and the cold and the dreary are holding me down. Suffocating me. Breaking me.

I'm not me. I turned into someone else. Somebody who sits around and feels sorry for herself. Somebody who lets others dictate her self worth.

I feel down. I feel low. I feel ugly.

Unloved. Unworthy.

I'm a pitiful mess.

This isn't truly me. This feeling finds me, sometimes, but I turn and I run as fast as I can. I know the truth. I'm not any of these things. I have so much to be happy about it, so much to be grateful for. And I am, most days, so very happy and so very grateful.

To see people I love spew hatred towards me and my family is brutal. It hurts. It shakes me to my core and makes me question why the heck I fight to keep it all together. Why do I so desperately need or want these toxic people in my life? I say that it doesn't matter what they say about me, and for the most part, it doesn't. I don't need validation from them. I don't need their permission to be happy.

But I'm not perfect. I'm human. I hurt. I bleed. I cry.

Because it does matter. Not in the grand scheme of my life, but in the here and the now and the yesterday. That's where it matters.

I feel bombarded by the lonely, by the cold, by the dreary. One on top of the other, over and over, until I find myself sobbing in a pile on the floor.

It's an utter mess.

And while I deal and I process with all of this, I need something to help me, to pick me up, to remind me of my worth. That isn't there. Nothing is there.

Here, it is cold and it is so lonely.

The distance grows further and deeper, and I reach out and I scream and I cry for help, and I am met with deafening silence.

It hurts. I am broken.

The rock that I relied on in my day to day has shattered and I'm caught in an avalanche of pain and loss that I had not anticipated. I keep reaching out, I keep screaming, I am begging for help, for love, for compassion, for a moment of just us.

Nothing.

Today I was about as far from a Super Mama as I could get. Avoiding and hiding, letting life happen while I sobbed into your pillow, aware but distant. It wasn't fun, for me or for my little ones.

Which is probably when it hit me. I can't allow this. I am not that girl. I am not broken by your lack of compassion or understanding, I am not nothing because I don't measure up to your standards.

So I vent, I let my words tumble out on to this page, free and easy and painful and hard, allowing the feelings to escape through my fingertips as I type and through every tear I've brushed away. Letting it go, letting them go, letting you go, letting go my vision of the past and how wonderful it all was. Today's reality is equally as wonderful as yesterday's, but with a different cast of characters, and somehow that is just going to have to be okay. I can't fix everything. As much as I want to, I am incapable. Saying it out loud, writing those words, giving it away is freeing. Finally.

I'm faced with tomorrow and the unknown.

Hoping you want to pick up those pieces and put them back together.

As I kissed each of my babies goodnight, I am reminded that there is so much good in the world, and that I have every chance to teach them how to love and how to give, even when it hurts, and especially when it's not easy.

Now I'm able to sit in my thoughts, allowing myself to cry a few more tears for the broken girl inside me, and ready and able to pick myself up off the floor tomorrow and hold my head up high as I face the world.

Now

The last few days I have done some serious soul searching. Where should we be, where do we want to be, what does the future hold?

Why did things happen the way they did?

I don't know that I regret my decisions in the past so much as I realize it would have been a lot easier to have chosen differently.

But man, the now? Anyway? It's just amazing.

I knew that being a mom was going to be amazing. I knew it would be hard.

I had NO idea HOW hard.

I had NO idea HOW amazing!

With each new age and phase and milestone, I'm just in awe.

Tee is becoming so much more of an individual, doing her thing, her way. She has the most incredible outlook on life. She still skips into a room and brightens it up with her big smile and her million ideas that she is just bursting to share! I watch Gray now and remember when Tee was that small, and it was just me and her and the hubby. It seems like a completely different life! Then I blinked my eyes and she grew into this really great person! She's sassy, smart, and so funny, with the kindest of hearts. Her energy is contagious!

Then there is my Bam. His birthday is around the corner, and he will be crossing over into this much older stage of life. He's been my baby for so long, the idea of letting go even a little seems crazy! He is the happiest boy. Always smiling, always laughing, in awe of everything around him. He wears his heart on his sleeve and he feels everything in a big way. When he's happy, everyone is happy. When he's sad, you can't help but feel sad right along with him! He has this great imagination and he's always playing and building and telling these incredible stories of events his toys experience. He is genuinely sweet and kind, the first to ask if anything is wrong, and always so polite. He loves everyone so completely!

And my Gray. Is it even possible that it's almost been a year since she came into our lives? It can't be! She is growing and changing so much! Oh how she loves all of us, she is so happy to see her siblings and waves and smiles and blows kisses to them every morning. She has started walking, and it's so much fun to watch! I love watching the older kids interacting with her. Her hair is growing, and she's getting so much taller, and oh my all the teeth! Her big blue eyes suck me in and her laughter melts my heart. She's curious and always following the big kids around to see what they are up to. She takes awhile to warm up to other people, but when she does, oh man is it worth the wait!

To think that had I done things differently back then...I might not be here today. With this. With them.

Sometimes the path isn't easy. Sometimes it's not even the path we had planned. But somehow, someway, we end up exactly where we need to be.

Hello, February!

Well, January has come and gone! 2013 is off to quite the exciting start.

Usually this time of year, I'm in a slump. Life is hard, the weather is cold, my mood is dark.

This year, well, life is exceptionally hard, the weather is very cold, but my mood? It's not so dark. It's light, even. 

This is progress, friends.

I feel so powerful. I am aware of myself and know that I can overcome obstacles. I can conquer these feelings and my attitude, and I can choose happiness.

I knew January was going to be a test. It wasn't going to be easy. From the get go, I knew it was going to be a challenge to make it through.

But we did it! We made it to February! Now, things are going to change. The darkness is fading away and the light at the end of this very long tunnel is inching nearer and nearer with every new day.

It's a good feeling.

I wake up every morning and I choose to be happy, to see the positive, despite all of the challenges.

It's not easy. But being continuously negative and holding a pity party for myself isn't easy, either. It's downright exhausting and doesn't make me feel any better.

So I choose happiness. Despite it all. 

And I have a lot to be happy about!

A loving hubby, pretty babies, and a world full of possibilities.

Welcome, February. Here's to four weeks of adventure!

To Be More

One of my favorite jobs was as a high school softball and volleyball coach. The experience itself was not always pleasant, working with people who were not supportive was often difficult. But overall, working with kids who loved to play, that part was amazing.

When I was in high school, I was lucky enough to have a handful of very supportive coaches and teachers who believed in me and pushed me to succeed. I know that not every student had that. My brothers went to school there and they didn't feel that kind of support. My husband went to school there and he never had support from anyone. 

I fell into coaching after high school, when I needed some positive focus in my life. My high school softball coach asked me to come and help, and it was the motivation I needed to keep moving. He was always pushing me to do more and be more. As a coach, I wanted to do that, too.

Coaching wasn't as easy as I had anticipated. I struggled walking the line between being too friendly and relaxed with the girls and being too strict and overbearing. I wanted the experience to be fun. I wanted them to enjoy being there. But I wanted them to work hard and learn and achieve. It was hard to mix that all together. They weren't always happy with me, and I wasn't always happy with them. It was a learning experience for me, and I've taken away many important lessons from my time coaching. I do feel like if I ever step into that position again, I will be better apt to handle all that comes with it. 

More than anything, I wanted to inspire at least one girl to go out and reach for the stars. To push herself to be more than what she believed to be. I remember being that teenage girl, dealing with family problems, trying to juggle everything, and loving the game and using it as my outlet. I had coaches who helped me, who inspired me, who motivated me to work harder every practice and every game. That's what I wanted to be for the girls I was coaching.

I know that I didn't reach every girl that I coached. Several of them left at the end of the season angry because of playing time or awards, and never really understood the lessons I was trying to teach them. If I could do it again, I would do things differently. Explain myself more. Stick to my guns more. Not waiver so often. 

Over the last four months, I have heard that several of the girls I coached at one point were going to be playing in college. I'm so proud of them! It was unheard of when I played for any girl at our school to play after graduation. It just rarely happened. But here, now, these girls are dreaming bigger and taking chances and going for it! I know that their current coaches probably helped them tremendously in getting prepared for try-outs and scouts, and helping them contact colleges, but I hope that somewhere inside them, when they think back to their high school playing days, they remember the coach they had briefly who may not have brought them a championship or been a good coach in general, but who wholeheartedly believed that they could be and do anything they set their minds to. Because I did believe. I do believe. Even now, I believe in them.

It's still a passion of mine. To inspire young women to be all that they can, to reach for goals they never believed possible. I wasn't able to do it then in the way I had hoped, but I've learned so much from that time of my life, how to communicate, how to lead, how to inspire, how to do better than I did. 

I feel like if we took a little time to praise our children, to back them, to listen to their dreams and goals and validate them, that their would be more young girls (and young boys) reaching for the stars. And not just trying to reach, but actually doing it, actually getting out there and grabbing those stars in their hands and making dreams come true. I genuinely believe it is possible.

Walkity Walk Walk

I've been working on a blog post for the last week or so. It's important and it has taken me much longer to write than I anticipated.

Something about putting it all out there, putting your heart in your writing, and letting others read it...it's hard.

Even more than that, it's hard for me to put into words exactly what I'm feeling. Which is funny to me. I have no trouble expressing myself, typically. But this? This deep stuff? Yeah, that's hard.

So I'm letting it sit there, in draft form, taking up space in my heart and in my head for a little while longer. It'll come, eventually.

In the meantime, I am soaking in the moments in my little home.

Gray walked across the room for the first time yesterday!

We were lucky enough to capture it on video and I've rewatched it at least a million times. Her smiling face, the sweet giggle, how excited she was when she made it to me. Wow, just amazing stuff!

I think back to my first two babies and their first steps. Man, time has just flown by. And it's really not slowing down at all! As we cross this next threshold, she will be walking and running further and further away from her babyness, and as exciting and awesome as it is to watch, there is a teensy bit of longing for her to just stay small and cuddly for a little bit longer.

But that's not how life works, does it? I distinctly remember being 14 and just exasperated that life was going by so slowly and when the heck would I be able to get started with really living? And here I am now, half a life away from that moment, and I just need it to slow down a bit so I can catch up.

Enjoy today, friends. Every moment of it. I most definitely will.