I Want to Remember

It was a long day. I was beyond grateful that all three kids had finally fallen asleep. I needed a moment, or two, or three, to just breathe. Gray was asleep in my arms, after a long nursing session. I laid her down, and she immediately stirred and started to whimper. I felt broken, tired, will she ever sleep? I picked her up, her sweet hand rested on my cheek, her face buried into my neck, and with a big sigh, she was asleep again. I smelled her, the sweet mix of milk and baby-ness that is just intoxicating. I thought about laying her down again, because I desperately needed some time to myself. I just couldn't do it. Instead, we walked back to the couch, and I just held her. I thought about how fast these five months have gone. How fast the next five will go, and the five after that, and the five after that. I tried to think back to Tee and Bam at this age. Why couldn't I picture every moment with them? Why isn't it so clear? I remember things, yes. A lot of it is general. How Tee would only sleep if I was next to her, how we spent our mornings giggling in bed together while Daddy was still at work. How Bam would spend hours awake, and we'd sit rocking night after night, his little body aching in pain from a gluten intolerance we didn't understand. How he'd put his sweet cheek next to mine, our faces facing the same direction. He never would put his head in my neck to cuddle like his sisters did, we were always cheek to cheek.

I guess I do remember more than I gave myself credit for, but I want to remember everything. Every second of their babyhood. Every moment, every breath, everything. I just can't grasp it. I know they were little once, but how did they grow so quickly? Why can't I picture them at this exact age and time as Gray is tonight? I feel like I'm losing them, slowly, like sand through my fingers, slipping away. All the memories. I can barely feel them, I can barely remember the smell of their sweet skin, the sound of their sweet laughter.

So I don't worry any more about that moment of alone time I so desperately had daydreamed about all day. All I think about is how I want this moment, this moment right here, to be the one I remember for the rest of my life.

So I soak her in.

Her chubby fingers and toes, ankles and thighs, wrists and cheeks. I kiss her head at least a hundred times, feeling her soft hair brush my lips. I can't help but smell her, close my eyes, and try to burn that smell into my memory. I want to be able to recall exactly what she smelled like. I let my body relax and try to imprint exactly how she feels against me, where she places her hands and arms, how her feet curl up under her, exactly how heavy she feels against me. I try and match my breathing to hers, in hopes that we can connect deeper than just my imagination. I hold her tight, eyes closed, and I force this moment to become important. I run it through my head several times, over and over, hoping that I won't ever forget.

This motherhood thing is so amazing. It's frustrating and scary and wonderful all tied into one. I can't believe time is passing by so quickly, each day and year more exciting than the last, and I look forward to what these people will become. But in that excitement, I don't want to lose the moments we shared of who they once were. Three tiny little people, completely different from each, completely and utterly loved by everything that I have, completely dependent on me to give them the life they deserve. It's sometimes too big to even wrap my mind around.

So, I won't. I'll just soak in this moment. This moment with my sweet Gray, wrapped in my arms, entwined in my soul for eternity. I will never forget how this feels.

Linking up with Just Write

Mama's Losing the LBs

So, weight loss. Blah. It's been a long journey.

I went through a bit of a depression while in college (the first time) and ate my way through my feelings. Couple that with the fact that I was not participating in a sport for the first time in my life, I ended up really sitting around doing nothing and feeling sorry for myself. I had made an attempt at weight loss right before I found out I was pregnant with Tee. I've never really gained much in any of my pregnancies, and I've lost all of it right away. 

But you bet your ass I blame all this on those pregnancies. That's right. It's all their fault!

Damn kids.

In all seriousness, I'm scared to even say how long I've been dealing with this.

But I came to a realization after Gray was born a few months a go. I love myself. I really, truly do! Seriously! I love myself! Every inch, every pound, the whole package. 

That statement alone has helped me prioritize and really decide I want to be healthier. I'm happy with ME, but I want to be healthier. I want my family to be healthier. I don't want to be skinnier, though sure, I'll take that little perk, but I could care less. I just want to FEEL better.

How freeing it is to not be restricted and controlled by diets and plans and numbers and routines I just never felt I could keep up with.

It feels GOOD to be free.

So, with that freedom and my new love for myself, what should I do?

First and foremost, gotta get off my rear and do something. The first and easiest thing I can do is just walk. I put Gray in the sling, let Tee and Bam get their bottles of water ready, and off we go! We aren't moving at any record-breaking pace, we aren't walking for a set amount of time, we're just walking, enjoying each other's company, exploring, and getting fresh air. It's good for ALL of us!

So that's my starting point. That and I pretty much completely gave up pop! (yes, people, it's POP, I'm a Midwest girl, let me be!) I gave it up completely when Gray was born and I was nursing her. She seemed extra fussy when I would have some, so I gave it up. She was a happier baby, and I shed a few pounds right then and there! Awesome! 

This is an ongoing process, and I'll post about my efforts and progress as the weeks go on.

Focus on being healthy. This is for my entire life, it's gotta be something we can stick with! And really, being alive and feeling good is something I can definitely handle!s

You Capture - Feet

Jumping back in head first to my blog. We had a much-needed couple days away as a family, and it was lovely. Feeling refreshed!

And HOT. Is it hot where you are, too? I live in the north for a reason, me and the heat are not friends.

So You Capture this week was feet. Um...I'm not a foot person. I hate adult feet.

But baby feet?? Oh yeah, I'll kiss on those piggies all day! I'm actually even okay with the older kids and their stinky feet. Who knew becoming a mom could change you?

I just can't help thinking that these are the feet that will carry my precious cargo out into the world. That's pretty powerful.

Here's the oldest baby holding up her baby sister's foot. She's a chunky monkey. :)

Here's baby girl's new socks her grandma bought for her! They are 9-12 month socks. She's almost 4 months old. Yup, that's how we roll around here!

She also just figured out that she has feet! Today, she pulled off her sock for the very first time. This is one of her first major accomplishments! Right up there with smiling, learning to walk, going to college, etc.

And here's a little peek at what a happy baby looks like after she pulls off her sock for the first time!

 Linking up with You Capture

Letting Go

Yesterday was profound for me. I had held on to this lingering hope that I could keep part of my old life for just a little longer. A piece that wasn't that important, but I loved it just the same. As much as I know it was time to let go, and I'm ready for it, it still stung a little. Bittersweet, I guess. I didn't think it would hit me that hard.

But that's life. Moving on.

There's more exciting things out there for me. For my family. That mean more.

Taking a deep breath, and letting go.

So what's next? I feel like with the end of this chapter, a new one is ready to begin. So many thoughts and ideas just pouring out of me. It's a jumble, I'm a mess. I need perspective.

Just in time for our annual vacation. Stay-cation, really. It would be lovely to be that family with the three young kids that travels and goes on real vacations, but that's just not us. I do enjoy our stay-cation, though. 

Family, food, fun, fireworks. Lots of swimming. Lots of laughter. Just what I need to snap me out of this funk.

*Sigh* It feels good already.

A day in the life

Summer is in full swing and my time management has flown out the window.

We come and go as we please, spending hours in our pjs and staying up late.

I feel stretched and strained and carefree all at the same time.

We are getting in a groove. Slow but sure.

I question my abilities, how to spread myself and fulfill all their needs.

One night this week Bam woke up in the middle of the night sick. I brought him to my room, throw up bucket in hand. He wants me to hold him as he drifts off to sleep. Gray wakes up and needs to be nursed. Who gets to be first? How do I decide?

I don't.

All three of us pile into my bed, I cuddle Bam in one arm, and scoop Gray up to nurse in the other. I have to do some funky bending to make it work. I'm exhausted. And uncomfortable. But these babies are happy and content. I relax and let myself doze for a moment, smiling and full of so much love.

I'm not always super mom. But some nights, I'm pretty darn close.

Here We Are

Oh, life.

Tee is out of school now. Mornings are nice and slow again. Just the way I like it.

We've just been here, being and existing and it's nice.

I had a ridiculous headache that lasted just under three days. I'm finally feeling normal again. We might even venture out of the house this afternoon. To the park or just to the yard, whatever works.

My headache may have subsided, but my head still feels like it is about to explode. With ideas. With excitement. With SO. MUCH. STUFF.

I am trying to let things be and enjoy each moment and this summer, but I'm antsy and excited for the future. It's a fine line.

I've got an end goal. Now it's just working on the plan to get there.

I washed my kitchen counters this morning. Something I do often. But today? The counter was shining, and it keeps catching my eye. Such promise. Clean, shiny counters. Clean, shiny life.

Lunch time has rolled around. Dinner is already in the crockpot so the afternoon is all ours. Gray is waking from her nap. Is it Wednesday? Or Thursday? Just a few days into summer break and the days are already melting together.

The calm is here. And I welcome it.

Linking up (a tad late) with Just Write

Savory Summer

Summer in our house officially starts tomorrow afternoon. My little girl is just a few hours away from moving on to second grade!

In the fall, I'll have two little ones heading off to school.

I sound like a broken record lately. I keep repeating how unbelievable it is that they've grown so quickly.

But seriously...where has the time gone?

They have grown up so much and developed their own personalities, mannerisms, likes and dislikes. They are their own person these days. I feel like they should still be my little babies, relying on me for every aspect of their lives. Tee can pretty much take care of herself. She's even changed a diaper or two lately!

I'm just the one who makes sure their clothes are clean and there is food on the table. Though, frankly, they don't exactly need me for that, either. Bam loves doing laundry, and tries to shove me out of the way so he can do it by himself. And Tee would make dinner every night if I let her.

Again, what happened? Where are my babies? I'm trying to savor every second of Gray's babyness. She is three months old now. (WHAT?!?)

So yeah...even my baby is growing too fast!

This summer is going to be busy. Birthday parties and graduation parties. Trips to the library and to the park. Book reading activities and a folder of homework to keep the oldest busy (though she already started, and would have finished if we had let her!). Family barbecues and weddings. Fourth of July carnival and fireworks up north. Maybe even a night out for our wedding anniversary (now I'm getting carried away...). Bam starts a summer program next week to evaluate his needs for the upcoming school year. Playdates and pool parties and movie nights galore.

Savoring each moment is my motto for the summer. Each memory. Each of my babies as they grow more and more every single day.

Here's to a savory summer for everyone!