I graduated from high school 10 years a go today.
And now you all know how old I am. Or how young I am, however you want to spin it.
I knew this was the year. There has been talks of the reunion in November. I didn't think it was really a big deal.
Then today. Today marks the official day. There is so much of high school I wish I'd done differently. I was a terrible friend. That's something I still work on today. I was so glad to graduate and get away from my senior year.
But then what? In 10 years, I don't see what's changed. I'm still sick to my stomach, rehashing senior year over and over in my mind. What about college? 10 years later...still taking classes. Nothing to show for it.
I just envisioned so much more in my life, for my life, for my family. This wasn't what was supposed to happen.
I just can't let go.
I'd go back in a heartbeat, and do it all over again. But better. I would make so many different choices.
I know I need to let go. That's been a huge crutch in my life. I just hold on to everything. I hold on to the dreams dashed. I hold on to the friendships ruined. I hold on to the pain. I want to go back and fix it all rather than accept and move on and foster the new relationships in my life. Or make new ones. I can't fix it all.
I sound so ridiculous. I should not feel so sad and defeated.
I feel like I have nothing to show for it.
I'm trying to look outside of me, and see the good. Because it is there. I married a wonderful man who loves me and supports my craziness. I have three fabulous, beautiful children. I have trouble seeing much more than that, but that's still a pretty big thing.
It needs to be enough. It is enough. It's more than enough.
So baggage be gone. Take the motivation and make the next 10 mean even more.
Brushing that off my shoulder as we speak. Insert relief here.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Early Morning
I woke up early and snuck into her room. It's rare that she sleeps later than me. She's such a light sleeper, if she hears my alarm, or hears someone in the bathroom, she pops out of bed to see what's happening.
But not today. Today she was still sleeping, so I tiptoed into her room and climbed into her bed, scooping her up in my arms. She nestled her head on my shoulder, and I felt her soft blonde hair against my cheek. I smiled, soaking in this moment, holding my precious baby who isn't so much of a baby these days.
She woke up, surprised but delighted to find me there. We used to cuddle like this every morning. These days the baby is up first and usually nursing by the time the others get out of bed. I've missed our moments.
We talked, like best friends, giggling about a joke she remembered from school, listening to her tell me what her plans were for the afternoon. There's always so much to do when you are six!
Then she had a great idea. She jumped out of bed, turned on her CD player (a Christmas gift that made her feel so mature!), and we danced to children's Christmas songs. (her CD collection isn't that large just yet!)
She is just so full of life. Every day, every moment, is full of dancing and music and fun. Her smile is contagious. She's sensitive and emotional, and feels every feeling so passionately. Nothing is small to her, every moment, every feeling, every experience is a big deal. She's witty, clever, and one of the funniest people I know.
She's also so kind and generous. She's worried about how other people feel. She's creative and really goes for her ideas and dreams, something I really admire in her. I would imagine these great projects as a kid, things I wanted to write, or make, or do. But they stopped there. Not with her. When she has an idea, she does it. Nothing holds her back.
She's incredible. And growing entirely too fast. We have already had six and a half years together. How does it go by so fast? How do I hold on to it just a little bit longer?
By moments like today. When we danced around her bedroom in our pajamas, with the early morning sunshine streaming through her window. Just the two of us. I don't think I'll ever forget it.
Linking up with Just Write
But not today. Today she was still sleeping, so I tiptoed into her room and climbed into her bed, scooping her up in my arms. She nestled her head on my shoulder, and I felt her soft blonde hair against my cheek. I smiled, soaking in this moment, holding my precious baby who isn't so much of a baby these days.
She woke up, surprised but delighted to find me there. We used to cuddle like this every morning. These days the baby is up first and usually nursing by the time the others get out of bed. I've missed our moments.
We talked, like best friends, giggling about a joke she remembered from school, listening to her tell me what her plans were for the afternoon. There's always so much to do when you are six!
Then she had a great idea. She jumped out of bed, turned on her CD player (a Christmas gift that made her feel so mature!), and we danced to children's Christmas songs. (her CD collection isn't that large just yet!)
She is just so full of life. Every day, every moment, is full of dancing and music and fun. Her smile is contagious. She's sensitive and emotional, and feels every feeling so passionately. Nothing is small to her, every moment, every feeling, every experience is a big deal. She's witty, clever, and one of the funniest people I know.
She's also so kind and generous. She's worried about how other people feel. She's creative and really goes for her ideas and dreams, something I really admire in her. I would imagine these great projects as a kid, things I wanted to write, or make, or do. But they stopped there. Not with her. When she has an idea, she does it. Nothing holds her back.
She's incredible. And growing entirely too fast. We have already had six and a half years together. How does it go by so fast? How do I hold on to it just a little bit longer?
By moments like today. When we danced around her bedroom in our pajamas, with the early morning sunshine streaming through her window. Just the two of us. I don't think I'll ever forget it.
Linking up with Just Write
Monday, June 4, 2012
You Capture - Sky
I wasn't going to participate in this week's You Capture, because even though it's super easy to take a picture of the sky, I just hadn't had the time to do it! I thought about it earlier today, but the sky was just kind of blah.
The whole day had been kind of blah. It was one of those days where you know you are testy and cranky and shouldn't be yelling so much. I was trying to figure out how to overcome it.
And then it rained. The sun was still out, except for one dark cloud over our house. It was a few minutes after our usual bedtime, but I felt spontaneous. I told the kids to take their socks off and get outside! They were shocked! It was awesome watching them run around the yard in the rain. All of a sudden the rain picked back up and they ran into the house, and we sat by the windows watching. It stopped quickly, I nursed the baby to sleep and put her in bed, and out we went again. To enjoy the puddles and to enjoy the sky.
And it was good. The whole experience erased the negatives of the day. The kids had a blast, jumping in puddles, laughing, smiling, having such a great time!
So, thank you, Mother Nature. I owe you one.
Linking up with You Capture
The whole day had been kind of blah. It was one of those days where you know you are testy and cranky and shouldn't be yelling so much. I was trying to figure out how to overcome it.
And then it rained. The sun was still out, except for one dark cloud over our house. It was a few minutes after our usual bedtime, but I felt spontaneous. I told the kids to take their socks off and get outside! They were shocked! It was awesome watching them run around the yard in the rain. All of a sudden the rain picked back up and they ran into the house, and we sat by the windows watching. It stopped quickly, I nursed the baby to sleep and put her in bed, and out we went again. To enjoy the puddles and to enjoy the sky.
And it was good. The whole experience erased the negatives of the day. The kids had a blast, jumping in puddles, laughing, smiling, having such a great time!
So, thank you, Mother Nature. I owe you one.
Linking up with You Capture
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Passion
The last few years have been tumultuous, to put it mildly. So many changes, sometimes for the best, sometimes not. Lots of pain. Lots of happiness. It's been a rollercoaster ride for our entire family.
As we settle down, far removed from the chaos, it has really dawned on me that we need to prioritize our lives. I've realized that while I was spending time with my kids, it wasn't always quality, and my parenting is not something I want to put on the back burner.
So something had to go.
Somethings had to go.
And it's okay. It hurt at first. Letting go isn't always easy. But knowing that I was making these decisions for my family made it a little less painful.
And then one day...I finally felt like I could breathe again. Oh what a feeling!
I've also realized that now that we've gotten rid of some of the baggage and some of the things that weren't high on our priority list, I've had some time to really think about what I want out of my life.
What I'm really passionate about.
First and foremost, my family. Working on my relationship with my husband. Working on my relationships with my children. Being there for them, providing a safe and happy home for them, taking care of their health, fostering their creativity and their own passions. That makes me so happy!
But as rewarding as being a mother and a wife is, there's more to me than just that.
And not that that is a small thing. It's huge. It is the biggest challenge and the biggest blessing in my life.
But there's still more.
Deep in my soul, deep in my heart, I'm passionate about so many things.
I want to give, I want to help, I want to guide. I want to make a positive change in somebody's life.
As a coach, I tried. I was blessed with a coach when I was in high school who became my mentor and who I looked up to, who helped me figure out my life when it was a mess, who believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. I tried to pass that on while I was coaching. It wasn't as easy as I had thought.
But it's not something I will stop trying to do. Whether I'm coaching or not.
I'm still chugging away at my college degree. It has been a slow process, with multiple degree changes, and I'm still not quite finished. At the root of all my decisions, though, has been this need to help make a difference.
I will get there one day. I have a big picture of what I want to do to help. There is just so much need out there!
In the meantime, I will make small changes and small differences in my day to day life. Every Sunday I will talk about them, and hopefully inspire others to make a difference, too.
Reaching deep down inside myself and recognizing what I'm passionate about has been so freeing and so exhilarating. I see all the possibilities before me, and that's something I hadn't really seen before.
One day at a time, one idea at a time, and I will follow my passion and I will make a difference.
As we settle down, far removed from the chaos, it has really dawned on me that we need to prioritize our lives. I've realized that while I was spending time with my kids, it wasn't always quality, and my parenting is not something I want to put on the back burner.
So something had to go.
Somethings had to go.
And it's okay. It hurt at first. Letting go isn't always easy. But knowing that I was making these decisions for my family made it a little less painful.
And then one day...I finally felt like I could breathe again. Oh what a feeling!
I've also realized that now that we've gotten rid of some of the baggage and some of the things that weren't high on our priority list, I've had some time to really think about what I want out of my life.
What I'm really passionate about.
First and foremost, my family. Working on my relationship with my husband. Working on my relationships with my children. Being there for them, providing a safe and happy home for them, taking care of their health, fostering their creativity and their own passions. That makes me so happy!
But as rewarding as being a mother and a wife is, there's more to me than just that.
And not that that is a small thing. It's huge. It is the biggest challenge and the biggest blessing in my life.
But there's still more.
Deep in my soul, deep in my heart, I'm passionate about so many things.
I want to give, I want to help, I want to guide. I want to make a positive change in somebody's life.
As a coach, I tried. I was blessed with a coach when I was in high school who became my mentor and who I looked up to, who helped me figure out my life when it was a mess, who believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. I tried to pass that on while I was coaching. It wasn't as easy as I had thought.
But it's not something I will stop trying to do. Whether I'm coaching or not.
I'm still chugging away at my college degree. It has been a slow process, with multiple degree changes, and I'm still not quite finished. At the root of all my decisions, though, has been this need to help make a difference.
I will get there one day. I have a big picture of what I want to do to help. There is just so much need out there!
In the meantime, I will make small changes and small differences in my day to day life. Every Sunday I will talk about them, and hopefully inspire others to make a difference, too.
Reaching deep down inside myself and recognizing what I'm passionate about has been so freeing and so exhilarating. I see all the possibilities before me, and that's something I hadn't really seen before.
One day at a time, one idea at a time, and I will follow my passion and I will make a difference.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Family Fun - Movie Night!
One of my main goals for this summer is spending quality time as a family. Not necessarily MORE time, though that would be great, but making the time we do spend together mean something.
I'm not perfect. Sometimes these once a week activities drive me crazy. The kids are screaming at each other. The husband was late coming home from work. The dog ate a turtle...
Yeah, THAT'S a story for another day. The dog sometimes makes more work for me than the three kids combined.
Anyway, one of our favorite activities is movie night. Pretty simple, right? But oh so fun!
I allow the kids to pick the movie. Sometimes if there is something on that night I might overrule, but usually they get a chance. If there's a new kid movie out, we'll occasionally go to Redbox instead.
(NOTE: please, don't be like us, return your movies to Redbox! Otherwise, after 20-some days, you'll be paying over price for a movie you watched one time...true story!)
So having two kids who are old enough to have opinions does often mean we argue about the movie. The best solution I've found so far is we keep track of who's turn it is! Simple as that. Seeing it written down, on a calendar, on a dry erase board, whatever, really sets the expectations for my kids and then we have less yelling.
I will do anything to prevent yelling. *sigh*
Another fun thing is we always have a snack! We vary between popcorn, popsicles, trail mix, something quick that everybody can have their OWN of, and that they don't get that often. Makes it a little extra special!
I'm not perfect. Sometimes these once a week activities drive me crazy. The kids are screaming at each other. The husband was late coming home from work. The dog ate a turtle...
Yeah, THAT'S a story for another day. The dog sometimes makes more work for me than the three kids combined.
Anyway, one of our favorite activities is movie night. Pretty simple, right? But oh so fun!
I allow the kids to pick the movie. Sometimes if there is something on that night I might overrule, but usually they get a chance. If there's a new kid movie out, we'll occasionally go to Redbox instead.
(NOTE: please, don't be like us, return your movies to Redbox! Otherwise, after 20-some days, you'll be paying over price for a movie you watched one time...true story!)
So having two kids who are old enough to have opinions does often mean we argue about the movie. The best solution I've found so far is we keep track of who's turn it is! Simple as that. Seeing it written down, on a calendar, on a dry erase board, whatever, really sets the expectations for my kids and then we have less yelling.
I will do anything to prevent yelling. *sigh*
Another fun thing is we always have a snack! We vary between popcorn, popsicles, trail mix, something quick that everybody can have their OWN of, and that they don't get that often. Makes it a little extra special!
We picked up some of these popcorn cups at Target in the dollar bin last year!
I usually do movie night on Fridays. It's a nice way to relax with the kids after a long week of school and running around, and before we start a weekend that usually consists of family visits and house projects. We start a little bit before bedtime. Everybody is in their pj's, we're piled on the couch with blankets, and usually at least one person falls asleep before the end of the movie. :)
I know it's really a simple thing, doesn't take a lot of time or energy to plan, but my kids love it! They love getting a chance to cuddle with me, and I love watching them laugh and have fun and...I like cuddling, too!
So tonight's movie pick is...
The kids are just a tiny bit addicted to the chipmunks these days. Plus, it's free on OnDemand!
Happy Friday...enjoy your family!!
What are you doing with your family this week? Link up and share your ideas! (please link to the blog post, not just the blog)
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
More
The warm weather soothes my soul, yet I yearn for a cool breeze to rush through my hair.
That's how it always is with me, the push and the pull, the happy and the sad. I always want just a little more, or just a little different. Always content, yet unsettled. It's a ridiculous combination that makes no sense.
I want more than anything to be "that" mom. The one with the perfect house, who gets on the floor with the kids, who never yells, who coaches every team and who's kids are involved in x or y or z. Kids coming over to our house to play. Happiness, and laughter, and fun.
I want that so badly. I'm not there. I don't know that I ever will be. I realize it's not achievable, really. It's a fantasy. Nobody is perfect. But perfection haunts me. It's that whole wanting and being more thing.
But my kids think I'm perfect. They think I'm Super Mom. Even though I seem to always be a step behind the dishes or the laundry, even though I've been too busy nursing to play superheros, even though I lost my temper, even though they aren't signed up for any kind of activity this summer because the van is broke and the baby needs to eat and do you realize how expensive some of this stuff is?
I just want so much more, to do so much more, to be so much more. And it's right there, I'm just a step away from it. It's closing the gap, being mindful of my steps, thinking more than doing that always gets in my way.
I guess the trick is not to try. It's to just do my best, do what I can, in that moment, and embrace whatever happens. They love me anyway. They think I'm great anyway. And that means something. It truly does.
I'm the best mom they've ever had, and I'll sure as heck take that accolade any day of the week.
And I'll try and do a little more tomorrow.
Linking up with Just Write
That's how it always is with me, the push and the pull, the happy and the sad. I always want just a little more, or just a little different. Always content, yet unsettled. It's a ridiculous combination that makes no sense.
I want more than anything to be "that" mom. The one with the perfect house, who gets on the floor with the kids, who never yells, who coaches every team and who's kids are involved in x or y or z. Kids coming over to our house to play. Happiness, and laughter, and fun.
I want that so badly. I'm not there. I don't know that I ever will be. I realize it's not achievable, really. It's a fantasy. Nobody is perfect. But perfection haunts me. It's that whole wanting and being more thing.
But my kids think I'm perfect. They think I'm Super Mom. Even though I seem to always be a step behind the dishes or the laundry, even though I've been too busy nursing to play superheros, even though I lost my temper, even though they aren't signed up for any kind of activity this summer because the van is broke and the baby needs to eat and do you realize how expensive some of this stuff is?
I just want so much more, to do so much more, to be so much more. And it's right there, I'm just a step away from it. It's closing the gap, being mindful of my steps, thinking more than doing that always gets in my way.
I guess the trick is not to try. It's to just do my best, do what I can, in that moment, and embrace whatever happens. They love me anyway. They think I'm great anyway. And that means something. It truly does.
I'm the best mom they've ever had, and I'll sure as heck take that accolade any day of the week.
And I'll try and do a little more tomorrow.
Linking up with Just Write
Friday, May 25, 2012
Family Fun - Cooking dinner!
I'm excited about today!
One of the things that I've been trying to work on is really playing and interacting with my kids. I know that sounds a little silly considering I'm their mom and shouldn't I be doing that already? Yes, yes, I do. But I'm not perfect. There are certainly days where I bribe them into playing with each other so I can get dinner finished, nurse the baby, or just breathe for a minute or two.
A few years a go, the hubs and I had crazy work schedules, but somehow we both had Sundays off, so we made a point of doing something as a family EVERY Sunday. And we did and it was great!
Then we moved, got new jobs, schedules changed, things happened, and we drifted away from that.
I've been trying to refocus our family and get us to spend some quality time together. All five of us would be ideal, but it is true that my hubs is a hard-working man and isn't home much during the week. Sometimes our weekends consist of visiting family and birthdays and graduations and housework we put off for far too long. We can't always get out and DO. So sometimes, after a long week, it's just me and the kiddos, and why can't we have some fun just the four of us?
So I've decided to start a little meme type deal. Each week, I want to come up with one activity we do as a family. Maybe just the four of us, maybe all five of us. Probably not the baby, she's not that handy with scissors and glue just yet.
I will write about what activity we did that week or plan to do that weekend. I will then have a link below so others can write about their activities as a family and link up. I think sharing ideas is going to really encourage myself, and others, to get out (or stay in!) and have some fun with their kids!
So last week I decided that we needed to do something about the way these kids are eating, or how they are NOT eating. For whatever reason, the older two have become a bit picky. We eat together at the table most nights for dinner. I haven't quite mastered the art of nursing the baby anywhere in my house besides the couch and my bed, so if she's fussy, it is sometimes the kids at the table and me with the baby on the couch. No ideal, but I'm still learning.
ANYWAY, mama needed to get creative! So I remember reading about how some kids really eat better when they are involved in the kitchen. I figured why not? I tend to be the mom who yells at them for getting in my way or making messes in the kitchen, which has nothing really to do with them and is just all about me and my issues. I figured if I let them help once a week, pick the menu, make dinner (with my guidance of course), and we did it on Friday nights when there was really no rush to get to bed at a specific time since there's no school the next day...maybe if I could let go of the control a little, we'd be able to have some fun and get the kids to eat.
A few years a go, somebody bought me Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals for Kids. I had always kind of brushed that book off because she made foods we just didn't eat normally, and there was always an ingredient or two I wasn't sure of. I finally pulled it out and let the kids look through it.
They came up Fruit Benedict's and Egg Scrambles. Easy enough...english muffin with peanut butter topped with pineapple and banana, and essentially scrambled eggs and ham. We can do that!
I wish I would have taken pictures. Mental note for next time!
Also? It took us WAYYYY longer than 30 minutes!
The kids had a BLAST! We learned that they do NOT like Fruit Benedict's...they would rather just eat the pineapples and bananas on their own. But they did try it! And that doesn't happen often with the four year old!
They had so much fun spreading the peanut butter, cracking the eggs, mixing. It was seriously a good time, and well worth the mess I cleaned up after. They actually cleaned up most of it on their own, so I had nothing to worry about!
I think we've decided that every Friday will be their night to get in the kitchen. The nice part of that is they don't bother me too much on the other nights to be able to help. And because I now see how helpful they really can be, I'm not so quick to say no when they do ask. Win, win, I think.
So what are you doing with your kids this weekend? Family outings? Craft time? Memorial Day weekend for us means we will probably head up north to hubby's sister's house!
(I also realize that it may take some time for anybody to link up with this, but I will post it every week until it happens! Don't be shy, join in and share!)
Please link to your entry, and not just your blog!
One of the things that I've been trying to work on is really playing and interacting with my kids. I know that sounds a little silly considering I'm their mom and shouldn't I be doing that already? Yes, yes, I do. But I'm not perfect. There are certainly days where I bribe them into playing with each other so I can get dinner finished, nurse the baby, or just breathe for a minute or two.
A few years a go, the hubs and I had crazy work schedules, but somehow we both had Sundays off, so we made a point of doing something as a family EVERY Sunday. And we did and it was great!
Then we moved, got new jobs, schedules changed, things happened, and we drifted away from that.
I've been trying to refocus our family and get us to spend some quality time together. All five of us would be ideal, but it is true that my hubs is a hard-working man and isn't home much during the week. Sometimes our weekends consist of visiting family and birthdays and graduations and housework we put off for far too long. We can't always get out and DO. So sometimes, after a long week, it's just me and the kiddos, and why can't we have some fun just the four of us?
So I've decided to start a little meme type deal. Each week, I want to come up with one activity we do as a family. Maybe just the four of us, maybe all five of us. Probably not the baby, she's not that handy with scissors and glue just yet.
I will write about what activity we did that week or plan to do that weekend. I will then have a link below so others can write about their activities as a family and link up. I think sharing ideas is going to really encourage myself, and others, to get out (or stay in!) and have some fun with their kids!
So last week I decided that we needed to do something about the way these kids are eating, or how they are NOT eating. For whatever reason, the older two have become a bit picky. We eat together at the table most nights for dinner. I haven't quite mastered the art of nursing the baby anywhere in my house besides the couch and my bed, so if she's fussy, it is sometimes the kids at the table and me with the baby on the couch. No ideal, but I'm still learning.
ANYWAY, mama needed to get creative! So I remember reading about how some kids really eat better when they are involved in the kitchen. I figured why not? I tend to be the mom who yells at them for getting in my way or making messes in the kitchen, which has nothing really to do with them and is just all about me and my issues. I figured if I let them help once a week, pick the menu, make dinner (with my guidance of course), and we did it on Friday nights when there was really no rush to get to bed at a specific time since there's no school the next day...maybe if I could let go of the control a little, we'd be able to have some fun and get the kids to eat.
A few years a go, somebody bought me Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals for Kids. I had always kind of brushed that book off because she made foods we just didn't eat normally, and there was always an ingredient or two I wasn't sure of. I finally pulled it out and let the kids look through it.
They came up Fruit Benedict's and Egg Scrambles. Easy enough...english muffin with peanut butter topped with pineapple and banana, and essentially scrambled eggs and ham. We can do that!
I wish I would have taken pictures. Mental note for next time!
Also? It took us WAYYYY longer than 30 minutes!
The kids had a BLAST! We learned that they do NOT like Fruit Benedict's...they would rather just eat the pineapples and bananas on their own. But they did try it! And that doesn't happen often with the four year old!
They had so much fun spreading the peanut butter, cracking the eggs, mixing. It was seriously a good time, and well worth the mess I cleaned up after. They actually cleaned up most of it on their own, so I had nothing to worry about!
I think we've decided that every Friday will be their night to get in the kitchen. The nice part of that is they don't bother me too much on the other nights to be able to help. And because I now see how helpful they really can be, I'm not so quick to say no when they do ask. Win, win, I think.
So what are you doing with your kids this weekend? Family outings? Craft time? Memorial Day weekend for us means we will probably head up north to hubby's sister's house!
(I also realize that it may take some time for anybody to link up with this, but I will post it every week until it happens! Don't be shy, join in and share!)
Please link to your entry, and not just your blog!
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