Spotlight...Baby Gray!

Back again! We've been so busy with our new little one, who is now two months old! Can it possibly have already been two months now? It's so hard to believe!

I've got some new ideas for the blog. We'll see how it goes. The best laid plans, of course!

I've decided on Saturdays (or, perhaps, more often, or less!) I'm going to "spotlight" a person or item or place that I find intriguing. Today's spotlight...my new baby! :)

She is such a joy. It's been interesting to do this newborn thing again. It's been four years since Bam was born, which didn't seem like that long a go, but gosh, I really had forgotten how hard it can be! The first two weeks were hell. Pure hell. I'm breastfeeding for the first time and I was not ready to be the only person waking up with her to feed her in the middle of the night and the only person at home all day with Bam and the only person putting Bam and Tee to bed at night while trying to nurse a baby...

Yeah, it wasn't pretty.

But, as it always goes, we got through it! Day 3 was honestly my breaking point, but the hubby stepped up and helped me through it. He was awesome. I called him, sobbing, begging him to stop and bring home formula because I was done. Yes, I was that desperate. Instead, he came home with a breast pump and cooling gel pads (or, as I call them, heaven!). He told me he believed in me and that I could do it, and I am so grateful for that. It's really what I needed to get over the edge. (And seriously, those pads? Freaking AMAZING. Best thing ever invented!)

(Also...haven't really used that pump yet! Tried it once, and both of us laughed hysterically like we were children...it was hilarious to watch the milk coming out! Need some amusement? Rent a breast pump!)

I was exhausted for about the first two weeks, and then we finally fell into sync. I'm still tired now, no she does not sleep through the night, but it's just more manageable. In fact, I already miss her very cute little brand new baby things! This is why us crazy mamas have more than one baby...we forget about the pain and exhaustion pretty darn quickly!

Plus, they are so stinkin' cute! She really is adorable. At 8 weeks old, she is smiling back at us now, and it melts my heart. Bam and Tee adore her. Tee probably the most. She has such great plans for them as sisters. Matching outfits, bunk beds, best friends for life! Bam likes to hold her sometimes, thinks she's really cute, but he's got other things to do. He'll pay attention when she starts getting into his things!

She's got her daddy wrapped around her little finger already. He takes her from me as soon as he walks in from work at night. She'll lay in his lap and stare at him and smile.

And me? I'm in love. Her smell is intoxicating. Her smile is delicious.  I just can't get enough of her! We're pretty much joined at the hip because of this whole nursing thing, but I wouldn't have it any other way. There's plenty of time for us to be apart as she gets older. For now, I'm soaking in every second of baby-ness that I can get.

So that's our little Gray! The newest addition to our family. I already can't imagine our lives without her!

Here we are - plus one!

So here we are. Three weeks and one day since the most beautiful little girl entered into our family. She's amazing. I'm so in love with her!

Things are still a little crazy and chaotic here. In my head, I figured a third kid was no big deal. What's one more, right? Easy!

Not quite.

But it's good. It's a good chaos. Filled with lots and lots of love.

And sweet new baby-ness! :)

My oldest is just smitten with her new baby sister. She can hardly stand being away from her for a second. The first thing she does when she comes home from school is get her hands on the baby. She's constantly asking to hold her, willingly (and without being asked!) will entertain her during a diaper change or while I'm trying to get dinner on the table. It melts my heart watching their relationship blossom.

The boy, well, he loves her, definitely, but he can do without her just the same. He'll hold her for no more than 30 seconds at a time before he's ready to go do his own thing. Oh to be four and have so much to do! :) He does come up to her several times a day, kisses her on the cheek, and will tell me how she's the prettiest baby. He has had a few moments where he's cried, saying he wished he could be a "little squishy baby", but a cuddle and a kiss from mama and he's moved on. :)

I'm just a happy, exhausted ball of hormones right now. I'm a mess. At the same time, I'm deliriously happy. I'm trying to enjoy each second of these newborn days. I cannot believe it has already been over three weeks.

(I do miss sleeping, though!!)

Odds and Ends

I have such big plans for this blog, and for life here in our little world. Everything seems to have been put on the back burner for now. I'm a little sad, because I want to DO so much, but I know these are things I will get to when the time is right.

I've glanced over into the bedroom a few times this morning, and every time I am surprised to see a crib up against the wall. The hubs built it yesterday. Wow, does it make things real! Somebody is going to SLEEP in that thing!

So, life is on hold, and I'm trying to be patient. Less than two weeks until her due date. That's it. After what seemed like the longest pregnancy EVER...here we are. Less than two weeks away. Essentially, I could go into labor right now. While I'm typing this.

I'm not, unfortunately.

Rumor has it they all come out eventually, so I'm just trying to be patient.

I'm going to be mom to THREE kids in the next few weeks. THREE! I feel like I am already, but for now I'm not having to dress the 3rd one or make sure she's fed or changed or whatever. She's handy like that. But juggling three in-the-flesh kiddos? I'm sometimes overwhelmed at the thought.

It's also pretty exhilarating! I always envisioned myself with a huge house full of kids. So we're getting there!

So much I want to do. To be. Dreams are just flowing.

This baby doesn't necessarily change them, just lets them simmer for a bit longer in my head.

So there it is, why I haven't been as present here as much as I had intended. Why I might not be present here for a few weeks more.

Growing a life can take a lot out of you! :)

Six Years Later

Yesterday was a hard day for me.

It was the 6th anniversary of my grandpa's death.

I don't know why the 6th anniversary seemed harder than the 4th or the 5th. Maybe it's because I'm a cranky, huge, hormonal pregnant woman. I woke up very aware of what the day was and meant, but I could not figure out why I was so gosh darn moody.

I yelled. A lot. For silly things. I apologized. A lot. And then apologized some more.

I cried most of the morning. I spent a lot of time thinking about what could have been.

I joked about being okay for him to visit me. Believe whatever you believe, but over the last six years there have been odd occurrences that can only be explained by a visit from my grandpa.

Usually, I will say something on facebook, on a phone call to my mom, out loud into the universe, telling my grandpa that I love him and I miss him, but I'm totally cool with NOT seeing him.

It freaks me out.

Well, for some reason yesterday, I didn't say that. My mom even noted I seemed more at ease about him showing up. I laughed and said I hope he showed up and washed my dishes. (he did not do them, unfortunately, they are still staring at me and laughing)

I stood in the kitchen, making my little guy some lunch. He asked to watch Scooby Doo while he was waiting, which sounded like a good idea to me, and it happened to me on TV at that moment. So, back to the kitchen I go. A few minutes later, while SD was supposed to still be on, I hear a very familiar voice, "I say, I say, listen here, boy!"

I literally froze in my tracks. I would have sworn to you that voice was my grandfather's.

I gingerly peeked around the corner to the living room, and instead of Scooby on the television, there was Foghorn Leghorn. Now, I can't even tell you the last time I saw that show! Years, easily! I grabbed the remote and pulled up the guide, and nope, no indication whatsoever that Foghorn Leghorn would be on at that time. It was supposed to be Scooby Doo. I was dumbfounded.

My grandpa could do a perfect impersonation of Foghorn Leghorn.

In fact, the last time I heard any phrase in that voice was out of his mouth. I get chills just thinking about it again.

From that moment on, the rest of the day, I was at ease. Everything was okay.

And next year, I'll be more specific. I don't want to see OR hear dead people in my house!

I think he just likes to keep me on my toes. And honestly? Little reminders like that make me smile and put my heart at ease. I know he is watching over us. I'm grateful for how well he loved me while he was still here, and the lessons he taught me just by living his life the way he did.

He is a pretty incredible person. I'm very lucky to be one of the four people who had the privilege of calling him "Grandpa."

Struggling

Struggling to keep up with life this week. I haven't done much of what I had planned. That means no blog posts (obviously), little homework read, etc.

But I have done something more important. I've done a lot of cuddling with my babies. I've enjoyed the kicks and apparent dance parties this little one inside me partakes in at all hours of the night. I've enjoyed just existing. Which has been nice.

But I'm so, so tired.

Exhausted, really.

I read some comment this week about how you don't get much sleep at this stage of your pregnancy because your body is getting you ready to be up all hours of the night feeding the baby.

I'm calling BS on that one.

I think my body should be allowing me to SLEEP while I still CAN.

Please, please, please. Just a little sleep.

My eyes are closing while I type this.

35 weeks along tomorrow. I feel like the little engine that could...

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

5 more weeks. I can handle 5 more weeks. Sure. No problem. 5 weeks. No biggie.

I'm probably going to cry now.

Just a few more weeks...

I wonder what it is going to be like...

To be 5 instead of 4.

I get annoyed because I can't sleep anymore and bending down to pick things up hurts, and why can't these kids put their stuff away? Or at least not in the walkway?

I feel huge and I'm cranky and emotional and why does this seem to be taking forever?

Then I think about my oldest. How incredibly creative she is, and full of life, and oh so sensitive! I miss her baby days, her chubby little feet and hands, her head full of curls. Her cuddles, her "mama, hold you!" when she wanted to be held, how her smile just lit up the room. It still does, in fact.

Then I think about my baby boy. How much fun he is! He plays and imagines and creates these incredible worlds that he just dives right into, and sometimes, if I'm lucky, he'll invite me to join along. He's starting to slowly move away from being my baby, and my heart aches for just another cheek-to-cheek hug, just one more nap in my arms. He still adores me, and I'm holding on to that with everything I have.

Then I think about our new baby. What will she be like? Will she have curly hair like her sister, or straight hair like her brother? Will she have blue eyes like me and her siblings? Or will she be like her dad and have green eyes? Will she want me to rock her to sleep like her sister did? Or will she only want her daddy, like her brother did?

I know one thing for sure, she is going to light up our entire world. She's the missing piece we didn't even know we were missing.

So even though I am incredibly sore and tired and just so over this whole pregnancy thing, I remember that I felt this exact same way when I was pregnant with the other two. And more importantly, I do remember that once I hold that baby in my arms, I'm going to forget about this moment when I feel so overwhelmed that I want to curl up and cry.

I got this. Just a few more weeks.

~ linking up with Just Write

Happy New Year!

Another year has come and gone. It's amazing how slow life seemed when I was my daughter's age, and how terribly fast it is flying by now!

This coming year is full of so much anticipation. Work changes, home changes, and the biggest change of all? Our littlest girl will be making her grand appearance in the next few months!

I crave to make so many changes in my life, in the life of my family. Health changes. Food changes. And so much more.

I want to be present in the moment, not wondering, planning, thinking, stressing about something else.

I'm going to be giving up something I love doing so much for something that I love even more.

It's hard to let go.

But its so exhilarating to move on!

I will cherish and treasure the moments, the people that mean so much to me.

Happy 2012 to everyone!